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Essay怎么写？essay写作辅导 Essay Help Course The purpose of this section is to get you acquainted with the task that confronts you. The first step is to understand your audience and what your readers will be expecting. But you should view this knowledge as a groundwork from which to build your own creative composition, not as a set of limiting factors. Once you understand the context of your assignment, you must approach the brainstorming process with a free and open mind. Allow yourself to reflect without the interference of preconceived notions. Create a long and varied list of possible topics, and then narrow that list down using the criteria we give you. The preparation process is as essential here as it is for any important project. If you don't identify and develop the optimal set of ideas, then no degree of effective structuring or engaging language will make the essay as strong as it could have been. Keep in mind that the whole process of preparing these essays effectively will be of incalculable benefit to you later on, when your business school interviews take place. Candidates who do a good job with their essays invariably have learned more about how to explain and present themselves and thus typically bring greater confidence and skill to the interview situation.
Most applications will be read by at least two people, and then will be seen by two to three more readers depending on whether the case is borderline or clear-cut. The committee can consist of admissions staff, faculty, administrators, alumni, and students. Business school admissions committees have arguably the highest expectations for their applicants' essays because they place so much value on them. The essays require serious reflection. They play a critical role in placing other parts of the application into context. Among qualified applicants the essays serve the purpose of revealing who is most deserving, most appealing, and the best match for us. - UCLA Graduate School of Management Frankly, 80 percent of the people who apply to very competitive, top-tier MBA programs can handle the workload. So the question often becomes not "Can the student make it here?" but [rather] "how is the student going to contribute here, how is he going to make us stronger or make an imprint on the classroom and the out-of-classroom experiences?" - and that's what students have to think about a little more when going through this process [of writing their essays]. - The Wharton School (University of Pennsylvania) Take this advice to the next level: what you have to contribute should be something only you can contribute. Therefore the most important question to ask yourself as you begin the process is this: how can I make myself stand out? The bad news is that you may be dealing with short attention spans and a cursory read. The good news is that many of your competitors will make the mistakes that you will have learned to avoid by reading this guide and using our editing services. This course will cover many tips and guidelines for themes and ideas for you to explore, but this section will mainly outline two principles of the utmost importance that have to do with writing audience-friendly essays. First, be concise. Nearly all the admissions officers we interviewed stressed this point, and the reason is obvious. They have too much work on their hands to be spending extra time on your application. Moreover, longwinded writing will not sustain their interest and can potentially hurt your chances. A good essay will make its point within the required space, or stay close to the suggested length. Some students fail to communicate their message succinctly. This is important because they're trying to communicate a message and extraneous information can dilute or diminish that message. - The Wharton School (University of Pennsylvania) Second, be interesting. Now there are many factors that will go into making an essay interesting, but at the same time, everyone has a basic idea of what that entails. If you didn't already know about the exciting particulars of your life, would you find the essay, on its own terms, enjoyable to read? Keep in mind that no matter how strong or fascinating your content is, the reader cannot appreciate this if he or she has stopped reading or paying attention. Tell us your story using interesting and lively essays. Please understand that people, not machines, read the essays. If you had to sift through 15-20 sets of essays every day for six months, what would you want to read? Interesting, lively, occasionally witty stories, right? Us too. - Stanford University, Graduate School of Business So these are the two principles you must keep in mind when evaluating your results and trying to determine how the audience will respond. If you can be concise and interesting, you will have gone a long way toward winning the reader's sympathy and standing out from your competitors. Common Flaws Careless Errors There is really no excuse for careless errors, and having even one on your application can affect the way you are perceived. You have more than enough time to proofread and have others look over your essay. If an error slips through, your readers may assume that you are careless, disorganized, or not serious enough about your application. Remember that spell check does not catch all possible errors, and even grammar check is far from perfect. In addition to typographical errors such as repeated words, you have to read the essay carefully to catch mistakes in meaning that might come in the form of a grammatically correct sentence. Let these humorous but unfortunate examples be a lesson to read your essay carefully for unintended meanings and meaningless sentences: 1. It was like getting admitted to an Ivory League school. 2. Berkeley has a reputation of breeding nationalists and communists. 3. I'd like to attend a college where I can expose myself to many diverse people. 4. I was totally free except for the rules. 5. In a word, the experience taught me the importance of dedication, friendship, and goals. 6. I have an extensive knowledge of the value of intelligence. 7. I envy people with a lot of time in their hands. Vague Generalities The most egregious generalizations are the ones that have been used so many times that they have become clichés. For example, "I learned the value of hard work." That statement doesn't tell us anything insightful or interesting about the writer's character, because it has been said so many times as to become meaningless. Generalities come in the same form as clichés, except with different content. They are always superficial and usually unoriginal but haven't quite reached the level of predictability that would make them qualify as clichés. Consider this before-and-after set to learn how to evaluate this factor in your writing: Before: In the first project I managed, I learned many valuable lessons about the importance of teamwork. After: In the first project I managed, I made an effort to incorporate all my colleagues as equal members of a team, soliciting their feedback and deferring to their expertise as needed. Terms like "valuable lessons" and "teamwork" are vague and do not really convey anything meaningful about the applicant's experience. In contrast, the revised version explains the team dynamic in more detail, showing specifically how the applicant exercised teamwork principles. The passage should go on to include even more detail, perhaps by naming a particular colleague and discussing his interaction with that person. Sounding contrived is a problem related to overly general writing. Applicants often have preconceived notions about what they should be discussing, and they try to force those points onto the experiences they relate. The best way to counteract this tendency is to start with your experiences and let the insights flow from there. Think about your most meaningful experiences and describe them honestly. Often you will find that you don't need to impose conclusions because the personal qualities you're trying to demonstrate will be inherent in the details. If you decide that clarification is necessary, the transition should still be natural. Summarizing Your Resume Perhaps the most common personal-statement blunder is to write an expository resume of your background and experience. This is not to say that the schools are not interested in your accomplishments. However, other portions of your application will provide this information, and the reader does not want to read your life story in narrative form. Strive for depth, not breadth. An effective personal statement will focus on one or two specific themes, incidents, or points. Trying to cram too much into your essay will end up in nothing meaningful being conveyed. One common "mistake" in essays is to narrate one's resume, or life history, without any reflection or evaluation or self-criticism. - Yale School of Management By narrating your resume, you not only lose an opportunity to bring your experiences to life for the reader, but you also ignore the task of self-evaluation, which is critical to business school admissions, as evidenced by comments quoted throughout this course Losing Sight of the Big Picture In the last lesson we emphasized the importance of including details. But as always, quality is paramount: the details you choose should be relevant and insightful. Some applicants will describe their work in boring technical detail without the necessary reflection and analysis. What I oftentimes see is that people use the essays to focus on lots of things that are extraneous to them, such as their individual work experience; what they do becomes more of a focus than who they are. I am really struggling to get to know the applicants as people and I frankly don't want to hear about the minutiae of their work. I want to hear why they chose to do what they do, why they chose to go to school where they did, what they value about those individual experiences and the impact of these experiences on their development as people. - The Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania#p#分页标题#e# One of applicants' biggest mistakes is that they don't see the big picture; they only see the small picture so they get involved in minutiae. They get too focused on what they've been doing, detail by detail. They just regurgitate or reiterate what they've been doing without much thought as to where they see themselves going. - The Amos Tuck School (Dartmouth College) Long-windedness Sometimes the same writer who relies too heavily on generalizations will also provide too many irrelevant details - and in this case we're referring to the truly irrelevant, not just the boring technical points. The problem is that writers often don't consider what is actually necessary to include, or they repeat points freely. Example of Irrelevant Detail: "After a meeting with my adviser, I returned home to think over the matter more carefully. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that my global interests would best be served by a double major in international relations and business." In this example, we learn nothing about the applicant from the mention of his meeting with an adviser. What's relevant are his interests and the decision he made based on them. The details about how he arrived at the decision are not illustrative of his character in any way and are therefore superfluous. Example of Redundancy: "The experience taught me a great deal about The first sentence is unnecessary, because the second sentence makes the same point with more specificity. In addition to superfluous content, you also have to watch out for wordy writing. Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but it also can confuse the important ideas you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and to the point. Before: "My recognition of the fact that the project was finally over was a deeply satisfying moment that will forever linger in my memory." After: "Completing the project at last gave me an enduring sense of fulfillment." Certain phrases such as "the fact that" are usually unnecessary. Notice how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and adverbs and adjectives. Big Words Using longer, fancier words does not make you sound more intelligent, since anyone can consult a thesaurus. Simpler language is almost always preferable, as it demonstrates your ability to think and express yourself clearly. Before: "Although I did a plethora of activities in high school, my assiduous efforts enabled me to succeed." After: "Although I juggled many activities in high school, I succeeded through persistent work." Some people may want to use the following list as a springboard as they develop their own connections. You can browse the questions below without a specific structure in mind and see what results from that free-association process. On the other hand, some people prefer to have more guidance as they brainstorm, and for those people we have ordered and grouped the questions into a logical structure. Each subtopic begins with a series of questions and then an explanation of their potential relevance to the big picture. You may find that some of the questions actually appear on your applications, but our purpose now is more to spark ideas than to think about specific essays. Long- and Short-Term Goals 1. What draws you to business in general? We have started with the question of what you hope to be rather than what you are because the former provides a broader context into which everything else should fit. You possess a wide range of skills and qualities, of which some are more relevant and significant than others to your candidacy for business school. Once you clarify your long-term vision (even if you haven't planned as specifically as deciding which companies and what positions, you should at least outline areas of interest), you will be in a better position to recognize how the details fit together. The questions about your short-term goals and how the school can help you attain them also have additional importance because they may help you assess your current strengths and weaknesses, which will come up again in later categories. Business is a very goal-oriented field. We saw several admissions officers comment on the importance of focus, and so your answers to these questions are important in themselves as well as in their impact on your thought process for the remaining sections below. You must have a thorough and practical plan, and you must present it convincingly even if you harbor private doubts. Your degree won't be revoked because you later fail to execute your plan. What your readers want to see is that you're mature and clear thinking enough for business school at this stage of your career. Accomplishments 1. What significant challenges have you overcome, in your personal or professional life? 2. Describe accomplishments for which you have been formally recognized. What qualities did you demonstrate in your path to success? What does each accomplishment mean to you personally? 3. Describe accomplishments for which you have not been formally recognized but of which you are particularly proud. Take even more time to reflect on why these have special meaning for you. 4. Discuss an accomplishment in which you exercised leadership. How effective were you in motivating or guiding others? How did people respond to your leadership? 5. What did you learn that you can apply to future experiences? 6. What was an important risk that you took in your personal or professional life? Why did you take this risk? What was the outcome? Would you do it again? 7. Think of a time when you truly helped someone. What did you do? How did this impact the other person? How did your actions impact you? 8. Please give an example of when you exhibited creativity in a personal or professional setting. Describe your thoughts and actions. 9. Reflect on a time in which you failed to accomplish what you set out to do. How did you recover from that failure? How did you respond to your next challenge? The important point here is that you develop insight into your accomplishments beyond their face value. Your essay should not merely list your most significant successes, nor is it enough to say that you're proud of them. You need to dig deeper to discover what these accomplishments mean to you, what they say about you, and how you learned from them. Also, reflect closely on your path to achievement rather than the result itself. Significant Activities 1. To what non-work (or non-academic) activity did you give the most time over the past year? Or past several years? 2. What has been your most significant service activity? Your most memorable one-time volunteer opportunity? Your longest regular volunteerism commitment? 3. What has been your most significant cross-cultural experience? Why? How did it change your perspective? 4. Can you identify trends in your commitments? What do they say about your values and abilities? Again, do not summarize your resume. Don't feel obligated to bring up every activity you've ever done, especially if it has been sufficiently covered elsewhere in the application. Remember that depth is more important than breadth. Your readers want to gain insight into what you care most about, and to see how you've devoted yourself. Community service and volunteer work can be great ways to demonstrate such characteristics as compassion and civic concern, but you should not force the point if you don't have a significant track record. If you have one important experience, you can write about what that meant to you, but it shouldn't degenerate into a sermon about your moral commitment to helping others. At the same time, you should not feel obligated to stress community involvement at all if that's not genuinely important to you. A lack of sincerity would likely shine through, and you're better off focusing on activities for which you have a real passion. Your readers want to know about who you are, and not about who you can pretend to be. Skills and Characteristics 1. What are your strengths and weaknesses? 2. How would your friends describe you? 3. What skills are you most proud of? 4. What values are most important to you? 5. Think of a team situation in which you've been involved. What kind of role did you take? 6. What abilities did you contribute? 7. What skills do you possess that are most relevant to business? How have you applied them to specific situations? How have you continued to hone them? 8. What personal qualities have made you successful in business? How have you demonstrated these qualities in specific situations? 9. Try to come up with unique combinations of your skills and characteristics and consider how these have applied in past experiences or will apply in your future career. In this section you should begin by thinking broadly. Don't just name skills that you know the schools are looking for, because that will detract from the unique portrait you're trying to paint. Also, you might be surprised about how you can tie a skill from one area of your life into your current goals in business. That's why we also suggested that you come up with different combinations of your skills and characteristics. This exercise will help you to see yourself from different perspectives and recognize all that you have to offer.#p#分页标题#e# Just as listing accomplishments and activities is unfruitful, you won't accomplish anything by simply naming skills. That's why this section has emphasized the question how. How have you demonstrated your skills and characteristics? Where is the evidence? Here again it's important to remember the movement within this brainstorming section from broad to specific. Perhaps you showed a specific ability in activities unrelated to business. The evidence can come from this separate area and still be tied in ultimately to your current situation. Turning Points 1. When and why did you first become interested in working in business? 2. How has that interest evolved? 3. How did you become interested in the industry or company for which you currently work? 4. Have you changed career paths? What was your motivation? 5. Describe a defining moment in your current career path. What did you realize about your prospective career and about yourself? 6. Who were your early influences? 7. Did you have any strong role models, general or business related? In your responses to these questions, you may want to draw on answers from previous sections. The purpose of this section is for you to begin synthesizing your previous accomplishments and activities into a coherent argument for your candidacy. Because there won't be room for you to describe every aspect of your involvement in an activity or job, you may choose to relate a particular episode that epitomizes the key points you want to convey. One issue you must be cautious about is placing too much emphasis on one-time events. In most cases, you will be adding meaning to a scenario retrospectively. Few of us are ever in the situation to make life decisions based on epiphanies. You don't want to attribute too much significance to any one event, because that would detract from your purpose of demonstrating a well-reasoned, serious commitment to your goals in business. Nevertheless, detailing the most meaningful, significant episodes from your background can help ensure that your essay stays concrete and personal. After brainstorming, you should have a lengthy list of potential topics to cover. Because questions tend to be very specific, matching a choice from your list of topics to the right essay prompt should be a straightforward process. This section instead discusses ways to evaluate the appropriateness of topics in a general way, ensuring that each one as well as the whole set put you in position to make the best possible impression. Conveying Something Meaningful Does your topic convey something meaningful about your personality? Will the reader walk away with an enriched understanding of who you are? If you can't answer "yes" to these questions, then you have probably chosen a topic that's too generic. Search harder to find a subject for which you can take a more personal, original approach. Painting a Complete Portrait If a question asks for your three most substantial accomplishments, try to choose topics from different realms of your life -- personal, professional, community involvement. At least one should be distinct from the other two in focus. Standing Out Is your topic unique? It's hard to have something entirely new to say, but you should at least have a fresh take on your topic. If you recognize a lack of originality in your ideas, try to be more specific and personal. The more specific you get, the less likely that you will blend in with the essays of your competition. Keeping Your Reader's Interest Will your topic be able to sustain your reader's interest for the entire length of the essay? It's true that good writing can make any topic fascinating to read about, but there's no need to start yourself off with a handicap. Choose a topic that will naturally be of interest to any reader. For this criterion, it's necessary to step back and view your topic objectively, or else consult the opinion of others. If someone described the basic idea to you, would you care enough to ask for more details? Staying Grounded in Detail You should make sure ahead of time that your topic is fundamentally based on concrete evidence. If you're choosing specific experiences or events, then the relevant details should be clearly available. But if your topic is more abstract, then you must be prepared to back up any claims with concrete examples and illustrative details. What to Avoid After you've determined that your topic meets the above criteria, you should do a last check that it also avoids the following pitfalls: 1) Resorting to gimmicks. While creativity is encouraged, there must be substance to make your tactics worthwhile. Don't expect mere novelty to win you any points, and realize that you risk coming across as frivolous. Also, there's a good chance that any gimmicks you come up with -- writing a poem, writing in the third person -- have been done already. 2) Focusing on the negative. There is a separate section of this course dealing with how to address negative aspects of your application. But as far as your topic is concerned, the main idea should be focused on your positive attributes. This does not mean, of course, that you shouldn't mention past weaknesses that you have learned to overcome, as the emphasis there is still on the strength you demonstrated. 3) Repeating information that's listed elsewhere on the application. We have already mentioned this point, but it's worth making abundantly clear. Your topic should not merely be a list of activities or synthesis of your resume. Rather, it should offer the kind of insight that only you can provide in a personal manner. 4) Being too controversial. If you get a sympathetic reader, a controversial topic might help you to stand out, but you risk offending others and severely hurting your chances. You would do better to search for a topic that makes you unique without resorting to cheap shots or obvious cries for attention. 5) Seeking pity. You can describe misfortunes or a disadvantaged background, but do not use them as an excuse for bad performances or to seek pity. Doing so not only could sound manipulative, but also means that you haven't emphasized your strengths sufficiently. Thus, as in the case of weaknesses, you should bring up obstacles in your past only to show how you have overcome them. Straightforward Questions Essays that fall under this category require you to discuss a particular number (usually one) of experiences as well as a particular kind. For example, you may discuss an ethical dilemma, a leadership experience, or the three accomplishments of which you are most proud. The reason that structuring these types of essays is less complicated is that you have one clear primary task: to answer the question. You don't have to worry about integrating multiple ideas into a single structure, because the main theme has been provided for you. Although the task is clear, there are still ways to mishandle it. The following are strategies for ensuring that the structure you choose fulfills its purpose. 1. Make sure the topic is clear from the beginning. Sometimes, for example, people will describe a muddled situation but never clearly define where the ethical dilemma lies. Whenever you're facing a question that specifies a kind of experience, clarify how the situation you've chosen fits that category by the end of the first paragraph. If the reader has to puzzle over exactly what your topic is, that will distract him or her from the heart of your discussion. 2. Allow the story to unfold naturally. For essays in which you focus on a single experience, tell the story on its own terms, before you try to impose retrospective insight. For example, in an essay about leadership, offer the full details of what you did before you attempt to draw conclusions about leadership in general. If you want to tie a point to a specific example, put the idea after the evidence, so the flow within each paragraph is still from specific to general. 3. Cultivate dramatic appeal. Not all stories will have a natural sense of drama, but when the opportunity is there, you should capitalize on it. Set up the situation in the introduction, but don't give away the resolution. In subsequent paragraphs, show the gradual progress you made, but also don't hesitate to mention intermediate failures and obstacles you had to overcome. The effect of all this anticipation will be a more satisfying and impressive conclusion. 4. Consider using headings when discussing multiple experiences. When a question asks for the three accomplishments of which you are most proud, you are not expected to write a single essay integrating three topics. That's why we defined "straightforward questions" as those that define your scope for you. If you have to write about two or three experiences, you can treat each as a self-contained answer. To avoid awkward transitions such as "A second accomplishment that I am proud of…," you can use headings for each one. They shouldn't just be "Accomplishment One," but something more descriptive, such as, "Community Service Involvement." On the other hand, if you do have a way to integrate your topics, you should not hesitate to do so. As always, a coherent picture has more potential to convey the depth of your character than a fragmented one. The reason we point out that you don't need to integrate your topics is to encourage you to think broadly when choosing them rather than deciding on a set that is easy to package.#p#分页标题#e#
Complex questions are those that consist of a series of interrelated questions, and for business school applications, the most popular essay of this type asks why you want to pursue an MBA and what factors influenced your decision. Unfortunately, writing a strong essay is not just a matter of answering all the questions individually. The essay prompt is designed to provoke a coherent response that addresses each question in a way that builds synergy. This section will teach you to identify and develop a strong overarching theme as well as to organize your content in the most effective structure. Themes The reason we start with themes is the same reason we suggested you start your brainstorming by thinking about your long-term vision. The overarching theme you decide on will inform the manner in which you organize the rest of your content. This theme is analogous to the thesis of an academic essay, though it's often less explicitly stated. Finding an overarching theme is essential whenever you have an essay that incorporates more than a single idea or experience, unlike the straightforward essays discussed in the previous section. When we use the term "theme," we mean something that usually has multiple layers. A strong essay that answers the "why MBA" question will never boil down to a statement as simple as the following: "My reason for pursuing an MBA is X." That kind of theme would invite a repetitive structure that merely includes a series of paragraphs offering evidence for a single point. Instead, your theme should introduce complexities, as in the following: "While Experience A inspired my commitment to Field B, my efforts to reach Objective C will require an MBA education, through which I will gain Skill Set D." By asking about your long-term goals and past experiences, the schools are guiding you toward developing this kind of encompassing thematic statement. There are essentially two ways to set forth your theme. The first is to bring it up in the introduction, usually at the end of the first paragraph. At this stage, since you haven't explored your concrete evidence, the theme should subtly indicate the direction the essay will take rather than try to tell the whole story. The second approach is to ensure a strong flow between paragraphs, connecting each point with previous ones so the underlying theme gradually emerges. Then the conclusion wraps these individual themes together and includes some kind of encapsulation of the material that preceded it. Below we will use examples to illustrate these two tactics. The Upfront Approach The theme of this essay comes down to the following: "Yet the more I learn about the business sector, the more the uncharted territories in the Chinese market enchant me, especially when they involve economic globalization and Internet fever. Understanding and guiding these economic trends in China is my number one motivation for pursuing an MBA in the United States." Later in this first paragraph, the applicant defines her short- and long-term goals more specifically, but by offering the digested version first, she gives the reader a clear idea of where she's headed. The first half of the essay goes on to explore her interest in China's economy in further depth. The essay then flows naturally to the personal aspect: how the Columbia program will help her to take a leading role in "understanding and guiding these economic trends." This applicant writes a succinct two-sentence introduction that spells out his theme: "This past year, intensive exposure to the telecommunications and Internet industries has allowed me to refine my career goal of launching my own high-tech company in Brazil, which will create jobs and help people become self-sufficient. Harvard's mission perfectly matches these objectives, and its MBA program will assist me by developing my management capabilities and nurturing my interpersonal relationships within the business world." Again, even without knowing what questions he's answering, we can make educated guesses based on the ideas he has seamlessly integrated. Essentially we see how past has influenced future in the first sentence, and we see how the MBA program will provide a bridge in the second sentence. The Gradual Approach This applicant uses the first two paragraphs to introduce the reader to the sector in which he hopes to work. You'll notice that the essay actually unfolds similarly to the order of the individual questions from the prompt: from his background, to his current position, to his career goals, and to his decision to pursue an MBA. But the essay would flow regardless of the question order because there is an underlying progression of ideas as each paragraph builds on the previous ones. The final overarching theme then becomes explicit in the three-sentence conclusion. It's even more complex than the previous examples because it comes at the end, and the evidence is already on the table. Nevertheless, it's essential to synthesize the individual points you have been making, because the synthesis shows how everything fits together. Identifying a theme for these complex questions is a relatively natural process, because you know what issues you have to address. The challenge is articulating in a coherent manner the relationships between your experience and goals and your purpose in pursuing an MBA. Organization Because you're answering a set of multiple questions, there are limits to the ways in which you can structure your response. Ultimately, you will either arrange your response as the questions are ordered, or you will not. Below we offer strategies for making the most of both approaches. Point by Point The most obvious way to organize your points is to align them with the order of the questions asked. The advantage of this approach is that the underlying outline will be natural to the readers because the schools are so familiar with their own essay prompts. What you must be careful to avoid is simply jumping around from answer to answer. Also, do not recycle the language of the prompt, with all your transitions looking like the following: "My background is…," "My short-term goal is…," "In the long term I plan…" This essay, quoted above under the Gradual Approach subsection, demonstrates how an essay can follow the order of the questions in a way that appears natural rather than forced. The writer is careful to write transitions that are focused on his own content rather than obviously circumscribed by the language and structure of the essay prompt. Hierarchy of Evidence The main argument against using the straightforward point-by-point approach is that it prevents you from constructing your case in the way that you think is best. For example, you might not have a great deal to say about the first question, but your response to the final question may be a point that helps you to stand out. Because your reader will be reading quickly and looking for the main points, it's often a good idea to start with your strongest evidence. You may even highlight your most interesting experience right in the introduction. This applicant faced the following question: "Please discuss your post-MBA short-term and long-term goals. How will your professional experiences, when combined with an MBA degree, allow you to achieve these goals?" Her organization was roughly as follows: long-term goals, past experiences, short-term goals, with her reasons for seeking an MBA interspersed throughout. Clearly her interest in Taiwan (long-term goal) is a factor that distinguishes her, while her short-term goal of obtaining a corporate finance position is more typical. The latter is still an essential point to make, because it shows that she has thought through her career path, but she is right to open with a more original idea. How should you identify your optimal structure? Rarely will your short-term goal be your most interesting point, since it's usually a means to an end. It can fit in after your long-term goal or your past experiences or both. Your main decision will be whether to open with a description of your most impressive accomplishment or of the unique and innovative vision you have for your future. Why MBA? Nearly all applications will feature a question that asks about your reasons for wanting to obtain an MBA at this stage of your career. Some will explicitly ask you to tie these reasons into your background and your goals. Even for schools that don't offer this specific direction, you should plan on such a discussion of past and future, as it provides essential context. "Why MBA?" is often the first question asked and without a doubt the most important essay you will write. It includes essential information about whether you're qualified, whether you're prepared, and where you're headed. The other essays fill in details about these fundamental points, but a strong answer about, for example, how you overcame a failure will not revive a candidacy that failed based on a lack of career focus. Essay怎么写Every answer should contain the following elements, unless the application has separate questions addressing them individually: 1. Your long- and short-term goals. Occasionally there will be overlap with other answers, and you will have to use your judgment on the extent to which you should reiterate important ideas. For example, some schools will ask about your goals in separate questions. In that case, the bulk of your discussion should fall under the goals question, but you will have to bring over key points from that answer to establish context for your reasons for obtaining an MBA.#p#分页标题#e# There are no groundbreaking reasons for pursuing an MBA. This is not a place to aim for bold originality. Rather, you should focus on articulating detailed reasons that are specific to your situation. Moreover, there is plenty of room to distinguish yourself when discussing past experience and future goals; it's just the reasons themselves that come from a more limited set. That said, you should not try to drop buzzwords for their own sake. Make sure you tie your specific objectives to other aspects of your application. This applicant details a unique background in environmental science and a focused interest in becoming an entrepreneur within this field. Thus he paints a clear picture of past and future before making the following transition: "In order to accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of the field. Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management skills, especially in finance, marketing, and entrepreneurship. I am also aware that my knowledge of American environmental issues is insufficient. Since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur, it is essential that I fill in these gaps." Only after he has established sufficient context about his personal situation does he attempt to assert his reasons for pursuing an MBA. This approach ensures that you're not simply stating the obvious, generic reasons without personal insight. Note that the writer goes on to add depth to his reasons by focusing on entrepreneurship, the area that encompasses his main interests. Finally, note that he cites specific programs that show he has researched the school carefully and can identify unique aspects that fit his objectives. This applicant begins with an extensive discussion of Brazil's political situation and a specific industry, before going on to describe the background that makes him qualified to pursue his vision. Thus, in contrast to the previous applicant, he discusses goals prior to history. Either approach can work effectively; your best bet would be to start with and highlight what makes you unique, whether it's a vision you have or a past accomplishment. After that, the important thing is to ensure that everything is coherently focused. Note that this applicant also places his reasons for pursuing an MBA at the end. He does, however, include the following in the fourth paragraph: "Through Columbia's MBA program, I plan to further build on this foundation by leveraging the experience in engineering and international management I have accumulated both in Brazil and in the United States." This kind of statement can be helpful to remind the reader of where you're headed. Some writers will even articulate their basic reasons in the introduction, but the full discussion is best reserved for after you have established full context.
After evaluating the qualifications and talent of the applicant pool, admissions committees seek to build a class full of interesting people from varied backgrounds. The purpose of this question is to find out what you have to contribute to this potential class. Here are some general guidelines for identifying a strong topic: 1. Don't write an ode to diversity. Many people spend half the essay writing about how much they value diversity, or about how important diversity is to enriching one's learning experience. Your readers know this, and you are wasting words by stating the obvious. 2. If you fit into one of the obvious categories, make sure you have something substantive to say. You should not simply mention a factor such as your race, ethnicity, socioeconomic background, age, disability, or international upbringing and expect that to be your distinguishing feature. Instead, focus on how your background has shaped your life or career; discuss how it affects the perspective you will bring to the program. 3. Diversity is not just about the obvious categories. Some people who are from privileged backgrounds will write about experiences in multicultural settings. This can be effective, especially if you have an extensive background within a particular setting. But your topic need not have anything to do with the obvious categories. You could also talk about a unique extracurricular activity, work experience, or hobby that has influenced your development. Don't look for prepackaged answers, but be sincere and reveal something meaningful. 4. Don't pick something that everyone else has. Make sure that the point you use to distinguish yourself is actually noteworthy. For example, don't say that what you have to contribute is your communication skills and leadership ability. Everyone will be emphasizing these skills in other questions, and you will lose an opportunity to stand out. Note: There are questions that simply ask about your most important qualities, rather than what you have to contribute to diversity. In those cases, you should talk about the important themes with which everyone else will be dealing, though finding an original point in addition is always helpful. 5. Be sure to cite specific evidence. If you're discussing an experience that has shaped your perspective, focus on concrete details. If you're discussing more abstract qualities that you possess, offer examples to show how you cultivated those qualities or how they came into play in your life. This applicant moved from a small country formerly of the Soviet Union to the United States. Because his interest is in international business, he is able to tie his cross-cultural background to his past accomplishments and future plans in the global economy - and to his involvement in the Robinson student body. The other angle some schools may take on diversity is to ask about your experience in diverse situations. Again, this should not be an invitation to deliver a paean to diversity. If you're going to discuss the positive influence that diversity had on a situation, be sure to cite specific examples. Also, focus on your role even if the question just asks about your experience, since active contribution reveals more about your character than passive response. You might emphasize such qualities as your ability to communicate, to cooperate, to bridge differences, and so on, but always with specific examples to back them up. Accomplishments The goal in answering this kind of question is to analyze rather than summarize an achievement. This advice is particularly true if you're discussing an accomplishment that is listed elsewhere on the application. Your readers want to gain insight into your character -- not read a factual summary of what occurred. Here are some guiding principles to use in constructing your answer: 1. Choose something that's meaningful to you. Some applicants feel obligated to choose the most objectively impressive accomplishments. You should write about something that has personal significance, even if you weren't formally recognized for it. What matters is that you write passionately and insightfully about your subject. Unless otherwise specified, you should feel free to draw on academic, personal, or professional successes. 2. Focus on details about the process. Show the reader through concrete details how you achieved what you did. If you want to discuss a grade you earned in a particularly challenging class, show us how you mastered the material. For example, describe creative strategies you used; don't rely on clichés like "I succeeded through hard work." 3. Build tension. Describe obstacles and how you overcame them. Note initial difficulties or intermediate failures, and show how you recovered. By adding a sense of drama to your story, you not only keep the reader interested, but you also make the accomplishment seem that much more significant. 4. Evaluate the significance of the accomplishment. Again, the goal here is to add insight beyond what the reader knows from the straightforward facts. For example, you can comment on how the accomplishment represents an aspect of your character, or describe how it fits within your background of successes and failures. Don't get carried away, however, and try to draw overly grand lessons. You might discuss external consequences of your actions to convey their magnitude, but ultimately you should stay focused on your personal response. 5. Don't boast or be overly modest. This is a hard balance to strike, but if you stay focused on the details of your story, then you shouldn't have a problem. Use the details to convey the magnitude of your accomplishment; you should be able to do so sincerely without having to promote yourself. For example, if you can show through illustrative evidence how you influenced the course of someone's life, you won't have to make a presumptuous statement about, for example, "having a profound impact on the life of another." This applicant discusses three accomplishments. The first is a professional achievement with specific details both about the difficulties he encountered and the contributions he made. His second accomplishment comes from his involvement in his community. Note that he makes the following unnecessary statement: "This experience was remarkable because it afforded me the privilege of making a positive difference in the lives of others." Although this is certainly true, the writer would be better off showing the difference he has made. Nevertheless, the overall account is still strong, because he does return to focus on specific duties he had and results for which he was responsible. His final accomplishment falls under a personal achievement. Note that he is able to avoid sounding boastful by acknowledging but downplaying praise: "My act was heralded in the newspapers and recognized by a citation from the highway patrol and the county in which the event occurred, but this hardly equaled the feeling I received from having saved this boy's life." Few of us have been involved in saving another person's life, but this story provides a strong model of engaging dramatic narration and effective use of detail. The writer does not need to spend many words evaluating the significance of his story, because the details have already revealed so much to the reader about his character.#p#分页标题#e# Leadership The leadership questions usually come in two forms: the kind that ask about your "leadership style," and the kind that ask you to discuss a "leadership situation." You should not try to use a single essay to address both questions, because they require different emphases. The first question asks you to describe principles that define your approach to leadership. You should then back these principles up with evidence of how you've applied them. The second question wants you to focus on a single experience (or in some cases two experiences). For these essays your first objective is to flesh out the details of the situation and the contributions you made. You must tell an in-depth, engaging story before you even worry about the insights and lessons you deduce. Then, when you get to that stage, your insights into leadership should be focused on the story you just told. Don't stray too far and try to include everything you know about leadership. After this basic difference in emphasis, the goals of both essays are essentially the same and include the following: 1. Describe your strengths honestly. You don't have to give much attention to weaknesses or even discuss them explicitly (though if you can mention plans for improvement, that can be very effective). The point here is to show a clear awareness of your personal strengths, as opposed to pretending to be the best at everything. Taking the latter approach will suggest that you only know the clichés of leadership, but don't have a genuine understanding of how to exercise it in real life. 2. Avoid oversimplified principles. You most likely won't have anything entirely new to say, but you can still avoid stating the obvious. Again, the best approach is to stay specific and personal. You might, for example, combine two straightforward principles and show how you've combined them effectively. 3. Show growth. One way to avoid having to cite the obvious is instead to show through examples how you came to understand a particular lesson. Your readers are interested in how you've developed and matured. Start off by indicating your uncertainty, and then frame your newly learned principles not as conclusions to share with the reader but as an integral part of the story's arc. 4. Illustrate your personal qualities. You want to convey both your own strong understanding of how to lead and indicate to the reader the valuable qualities you have for that task. These can include communication, collaborative, organizational, and problem-solving skills, as well as personal characteristics like inspiration, initiative, responsibility, and vision. As always, there's no point in simply naming these qualities as ones you possess. You must show them through example. In his conclusion, the writer avoids citing generic clichés about leadership and instead focuses on practical lessons learned. There are implicit broader principles behind those lessons, but it's more important that we see how he has applied them to his specific case. For example, "the importance of matching corporate strategy to Internet strategy" speaks essentially to the importance of aligning goals, which applies to all leadership situations. This applicant relies a little too heavily on generalized insights into leadership. He draws on one concrete example in the second paragraph, however, and this makes a great difference. The best way to demonstrate leadership ability is not to write vaguely about your success in completing projects or motivating people. Instead, name an example of a problem you faced and led the way in overcoming, or mention a person whom you earned the support of after initial difficulties. Leadership is a quality that everyone will enthusiastically claim, but few will have the proper strategy in supporting their claims. In asking this question, admissions officers want to see another dimension to your personality. Some schools will ask you to describe one important activity, while others will simply ask how you spend your free time. Regardless of which question you're answering, try to achieve depth. Don't make the mistake of thinking that they just want to see well-rounded people and take the approach of listing everything that interests you. While it's important to show that you lead a balanced life, you should treat this question as you treat all the others -- as a chance to make yourself stand out. That means focusing on what you're truly passionate about, instead of trying to say what you think they want to hear. Many people choose to write about sports. If you choose to discuss a physical activity, you're immediately going to face the obstacle of writing about something your readers have seen many times. You will have a difficult time finding something unique to say, but as long as you focus on personal details, you can create a strong answer. On the other hand, you should resist the temptation to cite the clichéd lessons about working hard and being a team player. Moreover, if you try to force connections back to your business skills, your entire essay will seem contrived. Approach the essay as though you were trying to get someone else excited about your hobby through your own enthusiasm. Of course, it should still be a personal account rather than a sales pitch. So if your hobby is rare book collecting, don't try to tell the reader about how it demonstrates your organizational skills. Instead, describe your feelings when you make a serendipitous discovery or complete a set that you started many years ago. Another tactic you can use to keep the essay grounded in personal details is to focus on a particular episode from your past involvement. If you're writing about your love for chess, focus on a particular match that epitomizes your passion. This applicant does choose a physical activity, but he offers a twist: running posed a significant immediate challenge to him because he suffers from asthma. He does not need to cite clichéd lessons to give his account meaning. Instead, we see from the specific progress he made -- "from huffing and puffing (and wheezing) my way through tentative one-mile runs to involving myself in the rigors of the triathlon" -- how committed and determined he was. Role Models how much your answer to this question can say about you. The role model you choose is not nearly as important as your description of that person and the way you relate this back to yourself. Here are some principles to keep in mind when writing this essay. 1. Choose someone with whom you have had a meaningful relationship. Don't pick a more important but distant figure. No one will be impressed if you choose, for example, the CEO of your company but have nothing to say about him beyond listing the credentials in his company profile. Note: There are some questions that allow you to identify a "hero," and others that ask you to describe an ideal manager. In those cases you should alter your choice accordingly, but the below principles still apply. 2. Express thoughtful admiration. Glorifying your role model makes you sound naïve. Focus instead on describing the person in an insightful manner and explaining why you value what he or she represents. You might even have reason to differentiate yourself from your role model in specific ways, though the overall purpose should be to describe what you admire and want to emulate. 3. Describe and illustrate specific qualities. Avoid relying on vague language that merely depicts your role model as "brilliant" or "compassionate." Instead, aim for a more penetrating portrait that captures your role model's complexities. Moreover, just because you're not writing about yourself does not mean that you don't have to back up your claims. Show your role model in detailed action to convey the qualities that he or she embodies. 4. Tell stories. Using specific anecdotes is the best way to achieve depth in your description. By describing the details of a particular episode, you can convey much more about a person than by listing any number of characteristics. 5. Show the role model's tangible influence on you. The best way to demonstrate the importance your role model has played in your life is to recount changes you've made based on that person's influence. Of course, you should not come across as a sycophant or a blind follower. But you can show how your role model provoked ideas that then initiated a course of action. This applicant writes a very effective portrayal of a woman who overcame gender constraints to become a successful professional. The writer illustrates Erika's qualities by describing her specific actions. The applicant concludes by articulating exactly what she admires most about Erika and showing how her life has changed as a result of knowing her. This applicant offers a meaningful portrait of his father in just 300 words. Unlike the previous applicant, he chooses to name the qualities that he admires right from the outset, but he then goes on to justify them with concrete examples. Failure How can you admit a failure and still offer an answer that strengthens your application? Of course, showing what you learned and how you recovered is absolutely essential, but many people don't realize the importance of discussing a real, substantive failure.#p#分页标题#e# Applicants believe that the slightest hint of weakness will ruin their chances. In reality, admissions committees know that you have flaws, even if you don't disclose them. You're better off being candid for the following reasons: 1. Your readers will appreciate your honesty, and this perception will affect the way they judge your other answers. Instead of being forthright, most applicants will either choose a topic that hardly qualifies as a failure, or they will write something generic or irrelevant to avoid admitting any substantive flaws. As an example that suffers from both problems, an applicant might describe a situation in which extenuating circumstances caused the failed outcome. The problem with this approach is that it leaves no room for self-examination and offers no insight into the applicant's character. So how do you choose a topic that is substantive but won't make you look too bad? First, avoid any failure that reveals irreversible faults. In other words, it should be a mistake that results from inexperience and therefore can be addressed for future scenarios. For example, you don't want your conclusion to be that you are simply a poor leader or communicator. On the other hand, you could admit that as a leader you have pushed people too hard, because that's a specific point upon which you can improve. Second, aim to find a failure that results from a good quality. For example, perhaps you failed because you're too independent and have difficulty delegating responsibilities to other people. Again, be careful that your topic leads to self-examination even if it's based on a typically positive quality. Once you have a topic, you still have to reflect insightfully on it. The best way to avoid generic, obvious lessons is to demonstrate what you learned through action. Show how you acted differently in a subsequent, similar scenario. If you can only derive abstract insights, aim as always for complexity rather than relying on prepackaged ideas. "The importance of hard work" is simply no longer interesting, whereas "the limits of hard work in a mutually dependent relationship" can be. This applicant describes a failure that resulted from lack of foresight. It was a mistake that had to do with immaturity rather than a severe shortcoming in any professional area. Nevertheless, there is a clear mistake that was made and relevant lessons to be learned. This applicant describes a failure that has several dimensions. Although the focus is on one result, he addresses the flawed expectations and ineffective leadership choices that led to that outcome. As in the previous case, the failure has to do with inexperience rather than any irreversible character flaws. He therefore can demonstrate how he has improved upon his inexperienced choices, which he does through concrete examples of changes he made.
This question is designed to evaluate your ability to reason through complexities rather than to assess your ethical standards. In other words, the admissions committee is not looking to confirm that you are a good person. Moreover, the dilemma you choose should not have a clear "right" answer. For example, if your essay involves you struggling against temptation to make the ethical choice, then that is not a dilemma. A dilemma must involve two choices for which equally compelling arguments exist. The most common approach to this essay is to set yourself up for a third option that offers a compromise between the two original choices. Be careful that this third option isn't a copout or immediately obvious from the beginning. The best essays will conclude with a genuinely creative solution that effectively addresses both sides of the equation. You can, of course, simply decide to go with one option over the other, but you should have a clear reason for your decision. Don't simply describe the reasons for both sides and arbitrarily choose one in the end. Justify your choice, and show how you dealt with the negative consequences that resulted from it. The hardest part about this essay is often finding the right topic, so the following is a list of possible scenarios to spark your thinking. Keep in mind that you'll have to do more than substitute your own details, however, because these generic examples don't reach the level of complexity that your answer should reach. Scenario 1: You discover that your immediate supervisor is taking kickbacks. You are uncertain whether to report it. The conflict is between your loyalty to your boss and your commitment to the greater good of the company. Possible solution: You decide to turn your boss in, appealing to absolute moral standards. The fact that he has committed a wrong outweighs your personal feelings of friendship. Better solution: You decide to confront your boss directly, demanding an end to the unethical behavior. This is a compromise in the sense that you're not betraying him outright, but you're seeking the best interests of your company. This solution is stronger because it shows more nuanced thinking and problem solving. Note that one problem with this dilemma is that it's hard to justify doing nothing about the situation. If you offer the second solution, then you're at least showing a creative analysis, whereas if you go with the first solution, you're merely appealing to the "what's right is right" principle, which may be too simplistic. Scenario 2: You work for a nonprofit organization that helps AIDS victims. You discover a government error that results in significantly higher funding for your organization. Do you keep the money, which you know will go to a good cause, or do you report the error? Possible solution: You decide to keep the money, arguing that it could not go to a better cause if sent back through the bureaucracy。 Possible solution: You decide to report the error, because it's not your position to determine the best use for that money. Third alternative: You write up a proposal for how that extra money would be used. You then contact donors who have been generous in the past explaining your situation and asking that they help you to generate the funds so that you can return the misrouted government money. Perhaps you could have come up with a better third alternative. This scenario does at least have two more equally matched alternatives. If you chose one side over the other, you should have more fully fleshed out reasoning to justify your decision. Getting Personal Some applications will include a question that simply asks for more information about you as a person. Although all questions are designed to help the readers learn about your character, this type of question is meant to be more open-ended. Some schools might ask what matters most to you, while others will ask for a summary of your personal background. Another common approach is to ask about the influences and experiences that have shaped your development. While your answers to questions about diversity should make you stand out, your response to the "getting personal" questions should present you as a complete (and preferably likeable) human being. This is not to say that you should not emphasize unique qualities, but you also should not hesitate to focus on common, everyday activities. For example, many people choose to write about their families, and as long as they do so in a personal and engaging way, the result can invoke empathy and understanding in the mind of the reader. The rule that applies everywhere is paramount in this case: be sincere. Answers that attempt to meet presumed expectations are not only transparent, but also counterproductive, because the best essay you could write is the one that you approach honestly. Make sure to supplement your genuine ideas with personal details. If you choose to write about the family you're raising, for example, provide stories about the time you spend with your children instead of simply telling the reader how much you care for them. Offer a focused portrayal. Some questions will ask you to comment on one or two specific aspects of your life, but others will leave it up to you to determine the breadth of your discussion. In those cases, you should aim to convey one or two key themes. This discussion may encompass several experiences, but they should be explored in a coherent manner. This advice applies even to those questions that ask for a summary of your personal background. Instead of approaching the essay with a haphazard list of significant ideas in mind, develop a clear plan to organize your points into a logical, flowing structure. For example, you might choose to organize your essay around a defining quality and trace how it has developed and applied to different aspects of your life. On the other hand, you could choose an external point (e.g., your hometown or city) and describe how your relationship to that point has changed and grown. Identify defining moments. Some questions will in fact use this exact phrase. A request to summarize your entire history seems daunting, but by focusing on key turning points in your life, you can convey a great deal more meaning than a shallower listing of events. You should not have to search hard for these defining moments, because if they were truly significant to you, they will hold a significant place in your memory. Coming across as a likeable human being is not enough to get you admitted, but if you have the other relevant qualifications, this additional edge can make a significant difference. This applicant offers a simple portrait of his family and small-town upbringing. There is nothing remarkable in the experiences he discusses, and he even notes negative elements for the sake of presenting a whole representation: "My mother was eager for me to test my aptitude in other areas as well and so involved me in art, piano, guitar, and tap dancing, none of which engaged my interest as much as sports." Note how he identifies and reflects on "the most memorable event of [his] youth," offering a concrete image of the moving van pulling up for the reader to grasp. Despite its apparent simplicity, the essay accomplishes its purpose of leaving us with a little more understanding of who the writer is.#p#分页标题#e# This applicant takes a similar approach by focusing on his family and the rural setting in which he grew up. Note how his descriptions of family members can be revealing because they show what the writer values and offer context for the relationships he has built with them. He also does an effective job of tying his youth to his recent past: "For example, starting at age 16, I often attended cattle sales in our rural Irish community, where I would haggle with much older and extremely shrewd farmers over the price of cows. Just ten years later, I found myself using those very same negotiating skills in the conference rooms of the U.S. Senate." The connection is intriguing but doesn't sound forced, because the writer has so effectively brought us into his world. The applicant also does not hesitate to explore conflict and sensitive issues. Because he places such an emphasis on the positive aspects of his upbringing, he can discuss past struggles in a way that invites compassion without seeking pity. Showing how you coped with difficulties, even if they're on a smaller scale than the Ireland conflict, can be a very effective way to convey your greatest strengths. How you structure your essay depends largely on the nature of the question. Therefore we have grouped the questions into three types: Straightforward Questions are those that define your scope clearly. For example, the question may ask you to describe an experience in which you exercised leadership. You don't have to worry about how many experiences to choose, and you know that your theme will be leadership. This type of essay is easiest to structure, because you won't have much room to deviate. Complex Questions consist of a series of prompts. The most important one is the "why MBA" question, which usually asks you to tie your reasons into your goals and background. The challenge here is to integrate your responses to individual questions into a single coherent essay. Open-Ended Questions should be treated like the personal statements you might have written for college. The strategies we offer in this section apply to any question that does not define a scope or offer specific questions to narrow your focus. Such questions might simply ask you to discuss your personal background, for example. A question that asks you to "describe your leadership style" fits into this category instead of the first one, because you must make the decisions on how many experiences to discuss and how to integrate them into a flowing structure. We offer a final section on the essential issue of Transitions, which applies to all three types of questions. Your first concern should be clarity. If your essay is haphazardly structured, the reader simply will not be able to follow your ideas, and your whole purpose will be lost. Your second concern is focus. An essay could be clear on the sentence or paragraph level, but still lack overall coherence. Perhaps you have written three paragraphs each clearly devoted to one topic, but you haven't shown how each topic contributes to some larger point. Some essays will be straightforward enough that your main task is to make sure you're answering the question asked. But when you're dealing with multiple complex questions or more open-ended topics, you must have a focused approach so that the reader can take a clear point away as he or she puts your essay down. Your third concern is impact. Even a clear and coherent essay can fail to achieve the optimal structure that would maximize the essay's overall impact. For example, the overarching theme of an essay might be your interest in innovation as your reason for pursuing entrepreneurial ventures. After outlining this clear focus in your first paragraph, you go on to write three clear paragraphs each independently offering evidence of your interest in innovation. What's lacking is a sense of progression: the reader sees not growth but repetition. To maximize impact, your structure must allow each point build to upon previous points, thereby improving not only your essay's flow but also the overall force of your argument. It's important to remember that these three areas overlap. You don't achieve the optimal structure by treating each one as an isolated step, but must keep each one in mind as you plan out your essay. Straightforward Questions Although the task is clear, there are still ways to mishandle it. The following are strategies for ensuring that the structure you choose fulfills its purpose. 1. Make sure the topic is clear from the beginning. Sometimes, for example, people will describe a muddled situation but never clearly define where the ethical dilemma lies. Whenever you're facing a question that specifies a kind of experience, clarify how the situation you've chosen fits that category by the end of the first paragraph. If the reader has to puzzle over exactly what your topic is, that will distract him or her from the heart of your discussion. 2. Allow the story to unfold naturally. For essays in which you focus on a single experience, tell the story on its own terms, before you try to impose retrospective insight. For example, in an essay about leadership, offer the full details of what you did before you attempt to draw conclusions about leadership in general. If you want to tie a point to a specific example, put the idea after the evidence, so the flow within each paragraph is still from specific to general. 3. Cultivate dramatic appeal. Not all stories will have a natural sense of drama, but when the opportunity is there, you should capitalize on it. Set up the situation in the introduction, but don't give away the resolution. In subsequent paragraphs, show the gradual progress you made, but also don't hesitate to mention intermediate failures and obstacles you had to overcome. The effect of all this anticipation will be a more satisfying and impressive conclusion. 4. Consider using headings when discussing multiple experiences. When a question asks for the three accomplishments of which you are most proud, you are not expected to write a single essay integrating three topics. That's why we defined "straightforward questions" as those that define your scope for you. If you have to write about two or three experiences, you can treat each as a self-contained answer. To avoid awkward transitions such as "A second accomplishment that I am proud of…," you can use headings for each one. They shouldn't just be "Accomplishment One," but something more descriptive, such as, "Community Service Involvement." On the other hand, if you do have a way to integrate your topics, you should not hesitate to do so. As always, a coherent picture has more potential to convey the depth of your character than a fragmented one. The reason we point out that you don't need to integrate your topics is to encourage you to think broadly when choosing them rather than deciding on a set that is easy to package. This applicant uses the introduction to orient the reader to the context of the challenge he faced and the leadership role he played. After the initial orientation, he goes on to tell the details of his story, though within each paragraph there are implicit lessons (e.g., "Combining these incentives allowed me to show them that, although their performance had been fine, they needed to make an even greater effort to complete the project successfully). Finally, only at the end does he explicitly acknowledge what he learned. The result is a simple but effective structure: the topic is clear, the story flows without interruption, and the insights come naturally. Complex Questions Themes The reason we start with themes is the same reason we suggested you start your brainstorming by thinking about your long-term vision. The overarching theme you decide on will inform the manner in which you organize the rest of your content. This theme is analogous to the thesis of an academic essay, though it's often less explicitly stated. Finding an overarching theme is essential whenever you have an essay that incorporates more than a single idea or experience, unlike the straightforward essays discussed in the previous section. When we use the term "theme," we mean something that usually has multiple layers. A strong essay that answers the "why MBA" question will never boil down to a statement as simple as the following: "My reason for pursuing an MBA is X." That kind of theme would invite a repetitive structure that merely includes a series of paragraphs offering evidence for a single point. Instead, your theme should introduce complexities, as in the following: "While Experience A inspired my commitment to Field B, my efforts to reach Objective C will require an MBA education, through which I will gain Skill Set D." By asking about your long-term goals and past experiences, the schools are guiding you toward developing this kind of encompassing thematic statement.#p#分页标题#e# There are essentially two ways to set forth your theme. The first is to bring it up in the introduction, usually at the end of the first paragraph. At this stage, since you haven't explored your concrete evidence, the theme should subtly indicate the direction the essay will take rather than try to tell the whole story. The second approach is to ensure a strong flow between paragraphs, connecting each point with previous ones so the underlying theme gradually emerges. Then the conclusion wraps these individual themes together and includes some kind of encapsulation of the material that preceded it. Below we will use examples to illustrate these two tactics. The Upfront Approach The theme of this essay comes down to the following: "Yet the more I learn about the business sector, the more the uncharted territories in the Chinese market enchant me, especially when they involve economic globalization and Internet fever. Understanding and guiding these economic trends in China is my number one motivation for pursuing an MBA in the United States." Later in this first paragraph, the applicant defines her short- and long-term goals more specifically, but by offering the digested version first, she gives the reader a clear idea of where she's headed. The first half of the essay goes on to explore her interest in China's economy in further depth. The essay then flows naturally to the personal aspect: how the Columbia program will help her to take a leading role in "understanding and guiding these economic trends." This applicant writes a succinct two-sentence introduction that spells out his theme: "This past year, intensive exposure to the telecommunications and Internet industries has allowed me to refine my career goal of launching my own high-tech company in Brazil, which will create jobs and help people become self-sufficient. Harvard's mission perfectly matches these objectives, and its MBA program will assist me by developing my management capabilities and nurturing my interpersonal relationships within the business world." Again, even without knowing what questions he's answering, we can make educated guesses based on the ideas he has seamlessly integrated. Essentially we see how past has influenced future in the first sentence, and we see how the MBA program will provide a bridge in the second sentence. The Gradual Approach This applicant uses the first two paragraphs to introduce the reader to the sector in which he hopes to work. You'll notice that the essay actually unfolds similarly to the order of the individual questions from the prompt: from his background, to his current position, to his career goals, and to his decision to pursue an MBA. But the essay would flow regardless of the question order because there is an underlying progression of ideas as each paragraph builds on the previous ones. The final overarching theme then becomes explicit in the three-sentence conclusion. It's even more complex than the previous examples because it comes at the end, and the evidence is already on the table. Nevertheless, it's essential to synthesize the individual points you have been making, because the synthesis shows how everything fits together. Identifying a theme for these complex questions is a relatively natural process, because you know what issues you have to address. The challenge is articulating in a coherent manner the relationships between your experience and goals and your purpose in pursuing an MBA. Organization Because you're answering a set of multiple questions, there are limits to the ways in which you can structure your response. Ultimately, you will either arrange your response as the questions are ordered, or you will not. Below we offer strategies for making the most of both approaches. Point by Point The most obvious way to organize your points is to align them with the order of the questions asked. The advantage of this approach is that the underlying outline will be natural to the readers because the schools are so familiar with their own essay prompts. What you must be careful to avoid is simply jumping around from answer to answer. Also, do not recycle the language of the prompt, with all your transitions looking like the following: "My background is…," "My short-term goal is…," "In the long term I plan…" This essay, quoted above under the Gradual Approach subsection, demonstrates how an essay can follow the order of the questions in a way that appears natural rather than forced. The writer is careful to write transitions that are focused on his own content rather than obviously circumscribed by the language and structure of the essay prompt. Hierarchy of Evidence The main argument against using the straightforward point-by-point approach is that it prevents you from constructing your case in the way that you think is best. For example, you might not have a great deal to say about the first question, but your response to the final question may be a point that helps you to stand out. Because your reader will be reading quickly and looking for the main points, it's often a good idea to start with your strongest evidence. You may even highlight your most interesting experience right in the introduction. This applicant faced the following question: "Please discuss your post-MBA short-term and long-term goals. How will your professional experiences, when combined with an MBA degree, allow you to achieve these goals?" Her organization was roughly as follows: long-term goals, past experiences, short-term goals, with her reasons for seeking an MBA interspersed throughout. Clearly her interest in Taiwan (long-term goal) is a factor that distinguishes her, while her short-term goal of obtaining a corporate finance position is more typical. The latter is still an essential point to make, because it shows that she has thought through her career path, but she is right to open with a more original idea. How should you identify your optimal structure? Rarely will your short-term goal be your most interesting point, since it's usually a means to an end. It can fit in after your long-term goal or your past experiences or both. Your main decision will be whether to open with a description of your most impressive accomplishment or of the unique and innovative vision you have for your future. Open-Ended Questions For example, a question that asks you to describe your leadership style is more open than a question that asks you to describe a single leadership experience. This question defines the kind of experience you should discuss, but not the number. Therefore you still face decisions on how many examples to use and how to integrate them. On the other hand, a question that asks you to discuss your most important activity limits you to one example, but leaves open from which realm you will choose that example. Therefore you still face decisions on what theme you will use to drive your discussion. In both cases, you should use the guidelines discussed in this lesson to structure your essay. The key aims of this lesson are the same as for the previous one: you will learn how to identify and develop an overarching theme and to organize your content in the most effective structure. There will also be some overlap in subsections. Themes As we explained in the last lesson, the overarching theme you decide on will inform the manner in which you organize the rest of your content. But in contrast to the type of essay discussed in the previous lesson, you don't have a series of questions to guide your thought process for these open-ended types. Instead, you must analyze your main ideas and examples and identify the underlying theme that ties them together. There are two extremes that you should avoid, as demonstrated by the following examples: The same two methods of articulating your theme apply here as they did to the complex essays. We will go through them again with different examples. The Upfront Approach The idea here is to articulate your theme in the introduction, suggesting the focus of your argument as you would in a thesis statement. This applicant faces the question, "What matters most to you and why?" Many people will choose a concrete topic, such as family or religion. In those cases, it's still essential to have a theme in addition to the topic, so the essay doesn't amount to a disordered listing of facts. The approach that this applicant uses is unique in that the topic is itself a theme: "a lifelong pursuit to improve myself as a human being." To add further depth to this theme, he explains how he will approach the topic from three angles: professional, spiritual, and personal. Not all essays need to be as clearly outlined as this one is. Nevertheless, this essay demonstrates the effectiveness of asserting a clear theme that offers direction for the rest of the discussion.#p#分页标题#e# The Gradual Approach Because you are writing personal essays, you might prefer to allow the argument to unfold more naturally as a story. Each paragraph will build upon previous points as an underlying theme gradually emerges. The conclusion then ties these individual themes together and includes some kind of encapsulation of the material that preceded it. This applicant writes a summary of his personal and family background. He begins by making each point on its own terms, without trying to force an all-encompassing interpretation on his life. Gradually, however, ideas begin to recur about obstacles, sacrifice, and the united resolve that his family showed. He puts these pieces together in the final paragraph: "My family created a loving home in which I was able to develop the self-confidence that I need in order to overcome many of the challenges that I face in my career. In addition, growing up in a family of very modest means, and being conscious of my parents' sacrifices, has given me a powerful sense of drive." Organization Answering open-ended questions will naturally give you more freedom in adopting an arrangement for your ideas. While one strategy comes from the previous lesson, the other two are new. Hierarchy of Evidence This approach will be less common for open-ended questions because the majority of them ask about personal background, and in those cases you're not looking to emphasize accomplishments by bringing them to the forefront. Nevertheless, if there's something in your personal background that would make you stand out, you should not hesitate to open with that rather than stick to more conventional orderings. Showing Progress We do not have a section advising chronological order, because despite its convenience, you should not choose such an approach for its own sake. A chronological essay often reads like a dull list, undiscriminating in its details. On the other hand, the Showing Progress approach often results in a chronological order for independent reasons. The guiding principle here is to structure your evidence in a way that demonstrates your growth, from a general initial curiosity to a current definite passion, or from an early aptitude to a refined set of skills. It differs from the Hierarchy of Evidence approach because your strongest point might come at the end, but its strength lies precisely in the sense of culmination that it creates. This applicant faces a variation of the failure question. Instead of being asked to discuss one failure, he has to reflect on the quotation, "Mistakes are the portals of discovery." (Note: here the theme is given to you, but the scope is not defined. Therefore the example is still useful, as the writer has to choose how to organize his evidence.) After discussing his initial mistake, he describes subsequent actions with clear comparisons to the original experience that demonstrate the progress he has made. Moreover, his choice to discuss two separate mistakes creates a second level of progress, as the lessons he learns after the second mistake are clearly more advanced and mature. Juxtaposing Themes If two experiences are closely related but occurred years apart, it makes more sense to develop them as one set of ideas than to interrupt them with unrelated points. This essay, quoted above under the Gradual Approach subsection, moves through the applicant's personal background point by point, instead of attempting to tell a chronological story. He devotes separate paragraphs to different family members and discusses his experience with the religious conflicts in Ireland in its own segment. Thus each idea is developed in full without being interrupted by points that would fit in only because of chronology. Your decision between these latter two approaches comes down to the nature of your content -- most importantly, the number of ideas you're juggling. Moreover, showing progress is more significant in an essay about self-development than one about more external factors. Finally, note that you can combine the two approaches by showing progress within self-contained thematic units. Transitions The basic purpose of a transition is to serve as a topic sentence; it should give enough direction so the reader knows what to expect. When your essay is following not only a chronological order but a single train of thought, the paragraphs may flow smoothly anyway. For example, in this essay, note the ways in which paragraphs 2-5 begin: with clear references to the various stages of his university career. The step-by-step process is therefore logical and easy to follow. The topic sentence has more work to do when you move from theme to theme or experience to experience. The reader has to know where you're going next. This applicant describes a client he has worked with as follows: "Mr. Moraes is not the kind of CEO who only attends meetings with the board of directors; on the contrary, he talks to everybody in the company and knows most of the 1,214 employees by name." The sentence sounds natural, a distinct idea in itself but also one that intimates what is to follow. Note that the transition is smooth because it takes a step back and suggests a somewhat general point about CEOs. The strongest transitions will not only introduce the ensuing material but will draw connections to prior paragraphs. These connections can note both similarities and differences. The link does not even have to be intrinsic to the subjects themselves. For example, this applicant shows how he personally has combined two qualities without acknowledging any intrinsic similarities: "This open-mindedness, coupled with my interest in spiritual matters, has led me to develop a keen interest in other religions." When there's no obvious link between the two topics, you can make a connection by discussing their role in your life. Of course, you should when possible seek more in-depth transitions to strengthen the forcefulness of your points. This applicant shows how the experience he's about to describe is similar to a previous point: "Beyond the academic diversity offered at Wharton, a key lure to me is its diverse student body and renowned faculty." The connection between two types of diversity helps one point to flow smoothly to the next. What Not to Do The most common mistake -- other than not including transitions at all -- is to rely on words like "also" or "further," which don't provide any thematic link. Using such substance-less transitions makes your essay sound like a list instead of a logical argument. For example: Good: "Although my previous position provided insight into the technical aspects of the industry, working at X company allowed me to interact with a broader range of corporate personnel and to gain exposure to new issues in management." The best advice we can give is to be simple and straightforward. Occasionally an essay will sound choppy or unsophisticated because of too many short sentences, but usually the problem is the opposite scenario. Applicants think that flowery prose and large words will make them sound more intelligent, when in reality their expression ends up being muddled and tedious. A direct style is not only more efficient to read, but it's also more enjoyable because it allows a steadily moving pace. The tone you use should be conversational, not too formal or informal. The sentences you write should be sentences that you would actually say. This is not to suggest that you shouldn't spend time refining your writing carefully, but the ultimate goal should be a natural voice. In this section of the course, we will cover the major weaknesses and mistakes most applicants are guilty of and show you how to turn them into strengths. Developing such a style requires time and investment, and some may argue that it can't be taught. If you want to undertake a more long-term investment in your writing aptitude, here are some tips: 1. Immerse yourself in good writing. Read publications like The New Yorker and Atlantic Monthly. Even without conscious effort, your writing will improve because you will begin to think in more vivid language. 2. Imitate good writers. Try a broad range of styles, from Faulkner to Hemingway. This will get you thinking about writing on a higher level and prepare you to forge your own voice as you begin to master the nuances of language. 3. Keep a journal. No matter what you choose to write about, your writing will improve simply because you're practicing the craft. Keep to a steady schedule.#p#分页标题#e# 4. Become a good editor. Whether you're rewriting your own piece or someone else's, the process of editing will help you learn to pay attention to subtleties and keep an eye on the big picture. 5. Have your work critiqued by professionals. Using a service such as EssayEdge's will not only help you improve the essay you submit, but will also teach you to recognize your general strengths and weaknesses as a writer. Sentence Variety Does this mean that the best essay will consist of all simple sentences? No. We stress this point only because most people have a tendency to start with sentences that are more complex than necessary, because ideas don't formulate themselves in our minds in the clearest, most direct structure. The best-written essays will feature steady variation in sentence length - but again with no sentences forced into a more complex mode. Simplifying The first step in simplifying is to identify what needs to be fixed. Usually the problem comes from trying to cram too many points into one sentence and using too many auxiliary clauses. Consider the following two sets of examples: AFTER: I have pursued all my research and volunteer work with relentless energy and clear focus. To this program I will bring the same sense of determination that has made my once distant goals now close within my reach. AFTER: A career in law will allow me to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice. Having accumulated the necessary experience and education, I now look forward to pursuing my long-held interest in law at X school, which offers the best curriculum for my needs. OVERSIMPLIFIED: A career in law will allow me to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice. I have accumulated the necessary experience and education. I now look forward to pursuing my long-held interest in law at X school. X school offers the best curriculum for my needs. Varying Constructions Sentence variety is not just a matter of length; a well-paced piece of writing will vary its sentence constructions as well. Everyone can recognize what's wrong with the following: Word Choice You can use a thesaurus to jog your memory when you're trying to come up with a better synonym, but never use a word with which you aren't already familiar. Words often have connotations and nuances of meaning that you can appreciate only after having seen them in context, so you're taking a great risk if you use a word that you don't know well. Even if you do feel comfortable with more advanced vocabulary, you should use the simpler synonym if that captures your meaning just as well. For example, instead of "ameliorated the situation," you could just as easily say "improved the situation." On the other hand, a word like "exasperated" is more intense than a synonym like "frustrated," and so you should use it if that's the sense you're trying to convey. Use precise language. Choose words that capture your experience fully and accurately. For example: PRECISE: When we first started the business, I took the initiative to contact potential partners, evaluate the service of our competitors, and tailor our plan to local markets. Inexperienced writers think that using fancy adverbs and adjectives will make their writing look more eloquent, but in fact they just bog down your rhythm and usually sound like fluff. They also tend to make your writing sound abstract because they are not actual physical substances. Good writers stick to concrete nouns that the reader can grasp, and even more importantly, vivid verbs that are the lifeblood of active, engaging language. AFTER: I rushed to the board to find people crowded around muttering prayers to themselves as they awaited the dean's arrival with their score results. For example, if your essay is about your skills in interpersonal interaction, you could use such similar phrases as "communication strengths" and "building trusting relationships." Verb Tense The reason we are devoting nearly an entire section to tips on removing the passive voice from your writing is that it's both a very common flaw and very easily correctable. Within this section we also will explain how to choose more active language even when passive voice is not involved. Defining Passive Voice Passive voice occurs when the subject and object of an action are inverted, so the subject is the recipient of the act instead of its performer. For example: Passive voice always involves a to be verb. To be verbs include am, are, been, being, is, was, were. On the other hand, a sentence can include a to be verb without being passive. For example: When Passive Voice is Acceptable There are generally two cases when passive voice is acceptable: 1) when there is no defined or tangible subject; 2) when the emphasis really should be on the object of the action. In these cases, the alternative is often awkward and less natural sounding. As we've already shown, the basic approach to avoiding passive voice is quite simple. Identify the subject of the action (the noun that follows "by" or is otherwise implied) and bring that to the front of the clause. Remove the to be verb. Adjust any other word-order issues as needed. Try these five examples as an exercise: Active language comes not just from avoiding passive voice but further requires the use of strong action verbs. In addition to avoiding to be verbs, you should try to replace helping verbs such as have, had, has, do, does, did and other vague verbs like got and get. BEFORE: I got the promotion through hard work. BEFORE: She did well in this competitive environment. BEFORE: My mother didn't want to show up without a gift. BEFORE: The salesman told the audience about his products. You can certainly develop a strong eye for these subtle issues, but active writing is an area where professional editing can make a substantial difference. Tone Although we cannot be more detailed about these specific approaches, there are still important general lessons to convey. In this section we will teach you how to strike a balance between sounding too casual and too formal. Then we will discuss ways to achieve the confident, energetic tone for which all writers should strive. Generally the problem of sounding too formal goes along with detaching oneself from one's subject. Some writers will try to write too objectively or as though they were trying to provide logical evidence for a thesis. Consider this before-and-after example: AFTER: The project got off to a late start due to circumstances beyond our control. We could not move forward, and no one stepped forward to take the lead in figuring out what went wrong. Despite my junior status, I decided to undertake this challenge. 2. The second version avoids two to be verbs and replaces them with more active ones. 3. The first version turns words that are usually verbs into nouns: "determination" and "assessment." This adds a definite stiffness to the writing. 4. The second version uses phrases that sound conversational but not informal: "got off to a late start" and "figuring out what went wrong." The line is fuzzy, but again, ask yourself if you would use these phrases in an interview. The answer here should be yes, while "What's the big deal?" is a clear mistake. 5. Another example of the first version depersonalizing the issue is in the last sentence, which is ambiguous. The new version does not rely on the vague phrase "an unexpected shift in roles" and has the further benefit of making the writer sound more active in assuming leadership. 1. Avoid phrases like "I believe" and "I feel" and "I think." Even worse are phrases that add an adverb, such as "I strongly believe." Your tone will be much more confident if you just make the statement without preface. 2. There's little value that can come from being negative, whether you're writing about a weakness or a negative external situation. Downplay the negative aspects and emphasize the positive. AFTER: Despite a slowdown that has coincided with the market struggles, we have taken measures to remain competitive and are beginning to reverse the downturn. AFTER: I have marched, demonstrated, and campaigned for the civil rights of all people. Now I hope to tackle the systemic roots of the problem through a career in law. AFTER: I explored a wide range of career possibilities and discovered an opportunity in health care administration that intrigued me most. Be careful that your tone does not come across as flippant or overly sarcastic. Slight irony is good, and self-deprecating humor can be effective, because it shows that you don't take yourself too seriously. Clichés What's acceptable in spoken language can be offensively bad in writing. Good writing must be original: you should instead always aim to state your ideas in engaging language and from a fresh perspective. In addition to the general clichés of the English language, you have to watch out for those that are more specific to the application essay. The challenge here is that these themes have become clichés precisely because they are valuable and significant, so you don't want to ignore them. You simply have to find fresh ways to convey hackneyed ideas. The best advice is to be as specific and personal as possible, thereby emphasizing your uniqueness. The following is a list of some of the most egregious clichés, within the context of a bland statement: "Working in this atmosphere made me appreciate the value of diversity." "With each member contributing something valuable to our purpose, I soon recognized the importance of teamwork." "As the young child embraced me in gratitude, I discovered the true value of making a difference in people's lives." "That summer in New York truly broadened my horizons." In this section, our purpose becomes slightly narrower for the introduction and broader for the conclusion. That is, having covered one of the two major aspects of the introduction already, we will now focus on the other: how to draw the reader in. On the other hand, since we have not yet covered the conclusion in depth, we will focus here on defining its purpose and offering tips on how to achieve that purpose. The admissions committee wants to know what you have to say. If you find some fascinating quotation by another person, using it won't make your case for admission any more compelling. In fact, an impatient reader might simply write you off as unoriginal. Neither does quoting a philosopher or Shakespeare make you appear well read, because anyone can consult Bartlett's Familiar Quotations to find something that sounds smart. Finally, even quoting your grandmother or some other wise relative has been done too many times by now. This is not to say that you shouldn't use dialogue if you're describing a particular episode, but anything that sounds like an aphorism is only going to add triteness to your essay, no matter how perfectly your life illustrates that theme. Introductions Conclusions Every essay needs to have at least a concluding sentence, so the ending doesn't feel abrupt. But shorter answers won't have room for a full conclusion. In those cases, you should still keep the following principles in mind, but the reader will understand that you don't have room to expand as much as you'd like. Synthesize, Don't Summarize The chief difference between these two tactics is that the former deals with themes while the latter deals with facts/experiences, though there is some overlap. You do not need to recap the essay paragraph-by-paragraph. You do not need to remind the reader of the experiences you discussed (except as individual experiences might be tied to certain themes you want to synthesize). You do want to reiterate key themes, but preferably not in a way that merely repeats them. Ideally, the process of synthesizing them will add a fresh perspective. Try to tie themes together and demonstrate how they complement each other. Of course, you should stay away here as always from trite and clichéd generalizations. In a very succinct conclusion, this applicant ties together several ideas that he has developed over the course of the essay. Most important is the way he articulates his plans to combine his MBA education with the insight he possesses into the international market. The essay has explored his objectives and background independently, and although the connection between them may be implicit throughout, bringing them together in the conclusion helps to drive the point home. If in the process of synthesizing you can invoke your introduction, that will add a strong sense of closure. There are a number of different ways this could be accomplished. You might complete a story you started in the introduction, or as the above applicant does, you might show how something has changed in your present since the timeframe of the introduction. Expand on Broader Significance - Within Reason One way to ensure that your last paragraph has something fresh to say is to tie your ideas to some broader implications, whether about yourself or your field. But don't get carried away: some applicants think they have to make reference to saving the world or derive some grand philosophical truths from their experiences. Stay grounded and focused on your personal details. This applicant strengthens the impact of his essay by describing the broader significance of his work. Interestingly, that significance actually has two levels: his influence on public policy, and his sense of fulfillment in giving back to the community in which he grew up. The fact that the latter point is just as, if not more, powerful than the first demonstrates that you need not reach beyond the personal to find meaning. Don't Add Entirely New Information, Except to Look Ahead When we use the word "fresh" here, we're thinking mainly of perspectives and ideas. You should avoid adding entirely new information about your experiences. In shorter essays, you might have to pack details in everywhere, but in general, if it's an important experience, it should come earlier. That said, speaking of goals in your conclusion is a strong way to end. Even if you've begun this discussion earlier in the essay, you can use the conclusion to get more specific or to discuss the immediate future. Applicants will often use the last paragraph to write about the schools to which they're applying and specific programs in which they are interested. The delineation of goals complements the process of synthesizing themes, because you can tie your themes together in the context of where you will go next. This applicant writes about a role model. Of course, goals are not an essential part of such an essay, but he has specific points to make that tie in to his preceding discussion. Mentioning specific classes does not seem like distracting new information, but rather a logical conclusion given that the rest of the essay -- a discussion of past experiences -- is building up to make a statement about the present and future.
Do not hesitate to edit at all levels, even if it means you'll be doing a lot of rewriting. Throw out entire paragraphs if you can't recall what purpose they were serving. Replace boring passages with vivid details, banal generalizations with sharp insights. Cut and paste until you've achieved the optimal structure. Fine-tune every sentence until it is clear, concise, and graceful. Is there such a thing as over-editing? If you begin to lose sight of your goals and can no longer distinguish between constructive and unconstructive changes, then you may begin to detract from the freshness and strength of your essay. At that point, the only course you can take is to set the essay aside again until you can read it with a clear mind. EssayEdge provides significant help with the editing and revising process. Having edited tens of thousands of admissions essays, our Harvard-educated editors can take a poor, boring essay and make it a powerful personal essay. We will carefully edit the essay to improve the impact of the introduction and conclusion, the logic and transition, the content, and the grammar. For more on our services, please visit our editing section. The following is an evaluative questionnaire for you to give your readers along with the essay: 1. Did my opening paragraph capture your attention? 2. Did you find the statement as a whole to be interesting? 3. Did you find it to be well written? 4. Did it seem positive, upbeat? 5. Did it sound like me? 6. Do you regard it as an honest and forthright presentation of who I am? 7. Did it seem to answer the question(s)? 8. Can you think of anything relevant that I might have inadvertently omitted? 9. Is there material within the statement that seems inappropriate? 10. Did you gain any insight about me from reading this? 11. Did you notice any typos or other errors? 12. Do you think the statement has in any way distinguished me from other applicants? Editing Checklist Content Are you answering the actual question given in the prompt? Have you been sincere and personal? Is your essay within the word limit? Will your reader find the essay interesting? Are you showing rather than telling? Does your introduction grab the reader's attention? Do you explore your experiences in sufficient depth? Does your essay contain a high level of detail and concrete evidence? Have you avoided unsubstantiated claims? Do you offer specific, personal insights rather than trite generalizations and clichés? Does your essay reveal anything meaningful about your character? Do you avoid summarizing information that can be found elsewhere on your application? Will your essay make you stand out? Does your conclusion leave a lasting impression? Structure Can you identify an overarching theme? Have you articulated that theme in the essay? Does your theme have multiple layers and genuine depth? Do you have a reason for placing every paragraph where it is? Do your paragraphs flow smoothly? Are there any gaps or jumps? Does each point build upon previous points, or does your essay sound like a list? Have you written insightful transitions and resolutions that highlight your key themes? Are your stories well integrated into your essay? Is the essay clear and coherent? Have you strengthened its impact by using the optimal structure? Style Have you achieved a simple, straightforward style? Have you varied your sentence constructions? Have you avoided unnecessarily fancy vocabulary? Have you avoided passive voice? Have you achieved active writing through the use of strong verbs? Have you avoided overusing adjectives and adverbs? Is your tone conversational, rather than too casual or too formal? Have you conveyed confidence, enthusiasm, and passion? Final Steps Since I was four years old, my father has left my mother and I for Indonesia to start his textile company. He has come back to Singapore once for a year. In order to enhance our relationship, we used to talk over the phone. As early as when I was Grade 8, I possessed my first computer for the main purpose of sending electronic mail to my father. From that time, using the Internet has captured most of my spare time. In the summer of 1992, I had a valuable chance of volunteering in the library to assist people using computers to look for the books or to get access on the Internet. At the same time, my father's business had been suffering from keen competition and out-dated machines for two years. He then started to automate the production line by investing in new innovated technologies, and hiring some technicians. When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me, because this was the system that rescued my father's business. Since then, my interest in information technology has been ever growing. After I came to Canada, I even use electronic mail and ICQ to communicate with my parent, and choose MIS as my core course. I found that IT is so powerful that it not only helps companies become more competitive, but also bridges people ocean apart. This arouses my desire to work in IT industry. Second, self-satisfaction also affects my career decision. Although monetary reward is practically important in reality, opportunity to learn and job prospect are even more crucial factors for me to be really happy and satisfied. I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person. In addition, a job with a bright prospect gives me incentives to improve myself. Thus, as I become more experienced and knowledgeable, I can pursue a higher level of career and help others. This is my true happiness. For instance, I am now volunteering in an on campus organization, Job Web, in which I am responsible for posting jobs on the World Wide Web, answering questions and making information handouts. I am interested in this job because I can learn how to use a software program, can improve my interpersonal skills by answering students' questions, and can enrich my research experience. These skills are valuable because I can use them in future. I can feel myself to become more productive and knowledgeable. In short run, after graduating from the Master degree, I will work in an IT related industry, either in a consulting firm or financial institution, as a system analyst or a consultant. Moreover, in my private time, I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive. In long run, when I have gathered enough managerial and analysis skills and experiences, I plan to have my own consulting company. Therefore, attending a Master Science program definitely can smooth my path to pursue my goal. The program can deepen expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option can help me to specialize my skills in IT areas that I have not yet learned from my undergraduate degree. Since I have been in UT for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional. Essay 2: Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business. Without this disease, I might not have been initiative and willing to face challenges. Without the chance of being a Special Event Director, I might not learn what the leadership skill was. During my six years in primary school (Grade 1 to Grade 6), most of my classmates always kept distance from me and called me "alien" and I was very lonely. The reason is that I had a severe Dermatitis since I was born. My arms and legs were full of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches and I must have to wear T-shirts and shorts in summer in order to keep my skin dry and from getting infection. Some dermatologists even said that I was hardly fully recovered. However, my parents and relatives had not been given me up, and they always encouraged me and gave me unconditional tenders. Therefore, I had a belief that I would be recovered one day, and thus I was eager to take any challenges of trying different kinds of medication, including Western and Chinese Herbals. Although my life in the primary school was only full of pain and lonesome, I learned to be brave and to face any challenges positively. Fortunately, during the summer vacation after graduating from the primary school, my power of resistance gradually became stronger and my disease got greatly improved. I only had some ulcers on my legs although my body was still full of scars. Since then, I realized that I should change my long-lasting lonely life and should not waste my precious secondary school life. Thus, since in Grade 7, I actively talked to my classmates and helped them. I also took part in many various extracurricular activities, such as VolleyBall Team, Girl Guide and Art Club. Nevertheless, one thing I still have not changed is my attitude toward risk. During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school. Before I came to Canada, I was fully recovered and earned a lot of friends. Although I had been suffered a lot from my disease, I have learned a precious lesson that I should have confidence, initiative and not afraid of failure. When I was in the ESL program in the college in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director responsible for managing a group of six members in designing and organizing various functions. Since I was in the highest level of ESL program than all of the other members, I had a tendency to think that I was the most capable. However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function. In preparing the Singing Competition, I followed up my members' tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often. This turned out that I finished most of the jobs by myself and my members only assisted me in the minor tasks. The outcome was that we only had four days to promote our activity, only ten people joined the competition and the function room was not fully decorated yet. I was very depressed, and when I talked to my Club's supervisor, she just said, "I assigned you as the director because I trust you." I was shocked. Why didn't I trust my members? They were weak in language, but this did not mean that they did not have other talents. After this lesson, I started to let my members to choose the task that they were interested in and let them finish by themselves. We also expressed our ideas freely during the meetings and voted for the best. I found that not only the preparation procedure had become smooth, but also the atmosphere among us had greatly improved. We were happier and eager to devote much more time together. Most importantly, we became friends. I was proud to have opportunity to learn what a real leadership skills was and I believe that this skill will become my asset for my future career. Edited Essay and Critique This is a strong pair of essays that puts a very human face on your application. You come across as an engaging and likeable IT professional, and the details you provide about your personal life are both interesting and informative. However, there were ways in which these essays could be improved. The major problem I noticed with these essays was the length of your paragraphs. It is necessary to break your discussions into easily digestible segments so that the reader is not overwhelmed by the breadth of your observations. I have substantially reworked the structure of these essays to make them more accessible to the reader. Throughout each essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact. Here are my specific notes on each original paragraph of the text: Essay One Paragraph 1 The first few sentences of your original draft seemed too self-pitying. It is essential to begin your essay with something that captures the reader's interest. I have provided a new introduction that illustrates the unique role that the Internet played in your family dynamic.#p#分页标题#e# In addition, it is useful to separate the introduction proper from the rest of the first paragraph. I have provided a strong transition that illustrates the relevance of your volunteer IT experience. Finally, the new second paragraph that I have adapted from your original text incorporates extensive sentence-level adjustments to improve your diction. "When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me? It is best to omit this detail since it suggests that you failed to appreciate the difficulty of your father's work. See the alternative treatment of this idea I have proposed in the revised essay. Paragraph 2 I provided a stronger transition to this sentence, which encapsulates your main motivation for pursuing a career in IT. Your original paragraph was a bit too general, so I anchored your assertions in concrete fact to make them more compelling. "Although monetary reward is practically important in reality? This is redundant. I suggest the following: "While monetary rewards are of practical importance? "I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person." This is too effusive. I have provided a shorter version of this idea below. Paragraph 3 I have improved the diction of this paragraph to make it more compelling. "I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive." This construction is slightly awkward. You can rephrase this idea as follows: "I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology." Paragraph 4 I have adjusted the tone of this paragraph to use a more confident voice. For instance, I replaced the phrase, "the program can deepen expertise," with, "such a program will deepen my expertise." This adjustment is subtle, but it makes a big difference. Essay 2 Paragraph 1 Your original introduction failed to introduce your subject to the reader in an adequate fashion or to engage his attention. Rather than summarizing your arguments in an essay this short, it is better to provide a "hook" that draws your reader into the piece. See my suggestion in the text. Paragraph 2 This paragraph was too wordy, and many of your arguments were redundant. I have streamlined your discussion to make it more direct, and I have separated this paragraph into two parts to make it more readable. In addition, it was necessary to reduce the graphic description of your physical ailment. It is better to focus on how you overcame adversity rather than to dwell on how you suffered as a child. "協ull of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches? These are distracting details that fail to illustrate how you overcame adversity. I suggest reducing these descriptions to a minimum. "During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school." This is a very powerful argument that does a great job of illustrating your resolve. I have highlighted and expanded upon this idea in the revised essay. Paragraph 3 This paragraph is also best divided into two separate parts. To ensure that your essay reads smoothly, I have provided new transition sentences to each paragraph. "However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function." This is a good place to vary sentence length for dramatic effect. I propose the following: "I quickly learned my mistake." "I followed up my members' tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often." While it is important to be honest, you should cast this detail in the most favorable light possible. I propose the following: "I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own." With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best. Sincerely, Edited Essays In the summer of 1992, I exploited my knowledge of IT to help those in my community. I volunteered at a local library, helping people with computer and Internet-related questions. Also at that time, my father's business had launched many technological changes that led to the automation of its production line. These improvements had saved his company from bankruptcy. Visiting him and seeing how the new system had increased his profits heightened my interest in IT. I now live in Canada, where computers continue to play a large role in my daily affairs. I use electronic mail and Internet chats to communicate with both parents, and have chosen management information systems as my course of study. Information technology fascinates me not only because it makes companies more competitive, but also because it can bridge great distances to bring people together. I have much respect for and interest in the IT industry. Personal satisfaction also plays a key role in my career decision. While monetary rewards are of practical importance, true job satisfaction springs from the opportunity to grow and learn within an industry. I enjoy acquiring new skills and information, which help me to adapt to the fast-changing world, as well as pique my interest in innovation. In addition, a career with open prospects would give me constant incentive to improve myself and to gain more knowledge. I currently volunteer for an on-campus organization, Job Web, in which I am responsible for posting employment opportunities on the World Wide Web, answering questions and preparing informative handouts. This position has broadened my computing abilities and has improved my interpersonal skills, which are crucial to any business endeavor. I enjoy the sense of productivity and usefulness I gain from the work, and feel it is a valuable experience for future employment. Given the confluence of my personal and professional interests, my goal is to obtain a master's degree and then to work in an IT-related industry, either with a consulting firm or as a systems analyst with a financial institution. In addition to this, I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology. When I have gathered enough experience and skills, I plan to launch a consulting company of my own. Attending a Master's of Science program will smooth the path to these goals. Such a program will deepen my expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option will help me to hone my skills in IT areas that I have not yet encountered. As I have attended the University of Toronto for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional. Essay 2: Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business. My classmates called me "the alien," and they avoided me like the plague. As a young boy, I suffered from severe dermatitis, which filled my limbs with ulcers and scars. The true pain of my condition, however, was social; I was alienated from my classmates and lived a life of loneliness and isolation. Doctors predicted that I would never fully recover, but my parents refused to accept this. They encouraged me to hope for the future, teaching me that any obstacle could be overcome. I therefore took an active role in my health, trying many medications and herbs. Approaching my loneliness with bravery, I came to view it as a challenge to be overcome. The summer after I graduated from primary school, my disease improved dramatically. Although my body remained riddled with scars, the ulcers vanished. The self-confidence I regained was profound; I realized that my personal will had led to this improvement. I began to seek out friendships at school, and I took part in activities like volleyball, Girl Guide, and Art Club. Through it all, my attitude toward challenges remained the same. In every examination or competition, I told myself that I could easily excel since nothing could be more difficult than what I had already overcome. By the time I moved to Canada, I had fully recovered both socially and physically. Moreover, I had learned to be confident and never to fear failure. This credo echoes through my personal life and gives me the inner resolve to succeed at any endeavor, including my professional pursuits. Like my personal battle with dermatitis, I learned a great deal about leadership by overcoming adversity. While enrolled in an ESL program in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director. I managed a group of six individuals in organizing various functions. I was the most advanced ESL student among the group, and I therefore assumed myself to be the most capable. I quickly learned my mistake. While preparing our first function, I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own. I performed most of their tasks myself, allowing them to assist me only in minor details. As a result, the function was not very successful. Few people attended, and we had problems with decorations and presentation. The setback disheartened me, and I spoke of it to the club's supervisor. She responded that she trusted my ability to succeed in the future. This comment filled me with surprise, for I realized that I had never trusted my own team members. Although they were weak in English, they had many valuable talents. I immediately changed my policy, allowing team members to choose the tasks they desired and to complete them on their own.#p#分页标题#e# Meetings evolved into group brainstorming sessions, which yielded many good ideas. Most importantly, the atmosphere among us improved dramatically. We were happier and more eager to devote time to the program. I learned what true leadership is, and the experience undoubtedly improved my ability to handle challenging business situations. Business vs. Academia "We don't need this analysis to go any further! We don't need to do any extra analysis if they're not paying for it," says my manager at BCG. I have heard this many times during work, and the thought of it tears me apart. Why can't I further the analysis? This model might seem more appropriate! Don't you find this intriguing? I work in the Mergers and Acquisitions Transaction Advisory Group as a consultant at BCG, and I often find that my pursuit of knowledge is in conflict with the group's goals. I have a strong interest in Finance and Economics, and I had high hopes coming out of college that the business world would provide an excellent learning environment. This was supposed to be the place where I can apply theories and make them work in real life, right? Wrong. It turns out that work was opposite of what I had come to expect. Limitations at work got me wondering what I really wanted to do in life. I wanted intellectual challenge, but not like the common goal of entrepreneurs: to become rich. I wanted improvement, but not the kind that requires fighting for projects with my colleagues to become promoted. I wanted knowledge, but not just the basics. I wanted to experiment. I wanted to test and refine theories, using different analysis at work, but was unable to do so because of those impediments: time limitations, clients' needs, and restraints created from my Managers and Seniors. Work just did not meet my expectations. I wanted to learn! I was definitely "disappointed." This is the beginning of my search for something "more." I became an independent business owner with Ameritech Corporation by distributing discounted dental and vision plans. I was curious how this business model worked, so I jumped right in to experimentation and to learn about this first hand. My life became exciting! I was able to research about successful business owners and their secrets to success. I was able to learn the factors that contribute to a business' success or failure. Most of all, I had the chance to build a financial model using present theories on how I want my business to be. I found myself visiting the bookstore often to read books about finance, and got to experiment and apply my own models! This brought me joy, but more importantly, I had found my direction in life. I realized pursuing a doctoral degree in business was perfect for me. I love the academic environment. I feel fellowship with people who are as compelled as I am to educate and challenge themselves. I feel as though everyone is connected with each other by the common goal: to learn. I have a strong interest in Finance and Economics. My interest was ignited in this area when I took Financial Economics at Dartmouth. I absorbed as much as I could during the semester and my passion for finance never stopped. My passion seduced me to write my Seniors Honors Thesis about "Picking Stocks Using Fundamental and Technical Analysis" in the last semester at Dartmouth. Finance interested me even more after I started working since I actually experienced real life cases, not only the ones in the books. This is why I believe I belong in the academia. Within this environment, I feel at home. I love to teach. Educating others and watching them succeed makes me happy. I have conducted many individual-training courses for my downline brokers at Ameritech Corporation. The goal of the course is to incorporate the financial model I have created when I started the business. Most students from my courses have increased their sales volume by 50%. I love to research. My passion for research developed during my last semester at Dartmouth when I decided to write a Seniors Honors Thesis on "Picking Stocks Using Fundamental and Technical Analysis." This is when I started to research on the different ways to increase returns on different portfolios using different strategies. By using only technical analysis, I was able to get a 50% return during April 2001 when the stock market started on a downhill ride. From this experience, I have developed a love to research and experiment. Why XXX? XXX is "globally" known for excellence in its graduate as well as undergraduate programs. Any student would know where XXX is located and what it is about! I know that I can receive the best guidance at XXX to do research in various financial models from different valuation methods to complicated topics such as the Black Scholes for options pricing, especially in XXX's Business Economics program. I'm particularly interested in Professor Vousden's project on "The Impact of EPS Accretion and Dilution on Stock Prices," and would love to have a chance to learn more from him with his findings. The Business Economics program would fit me perfectly since I was an undergraduate Economics major and blending business with economics would give me the best of both worlds I am interested in. In addition to the reasons just stated, my cousin also attended XXX for his graduate studies and he has now successfully started his own company in Cambridge, Massachusetts, with large Clients such as Intel and MTV.com at his door asking for service! There is no recommendation more trustworthy to me than that provided by my family. The main question now is: why should XXX choose me? The answer is simple: I am a highly motivated person and a quick learner who wants to do research and teach. Plus, I know I can take the challenges provided by XXX. I graduated from Dartmouth within two and a half years making me the youngest honors student (19) to graduate in that class. In addition, my ability to multi-task is superior to my colleagues in college as well as at work since during my college career, I was able to manage two internships with a full time schedule in school. Most of all, I believe that I have the ability to do research since I have already had experience in writing a thesis at Dartmouth. I can easily turn observations into analyses. Lastly, I am friendly and easy to get along with and will hopefully bring some smiles about in the classroom. My passion for research is strong and I believe I am a good candidate for XXX. Hopefully I will be an addition to XXX's Ph.D. Program. Hope to hear from you soon! This was a very good essay, and I enjoyed reading it. You do a good job of explaining how your interest in business and economics developed, how your undergraduate studies helped you decide upon your career path, and why a Ph.D. in Business Economics from XXX is your best option at this point in your career. However, I do have some concerns about your essay. Your original paragraphs were a bit choppy and repetitive, and they contained many sentences of the same length and structure. Consequently, I revised a number of your sentences to increase variability and to heighten the reader's interest. Your essay also lacked some necessary transitions between paragraphs, resulting in an awkward overall flow in your essay. Your language, at times, was also too colloquial and conversational, not displaying enough formality for the seriousness of such an application. Particularly troublesome was your overuse of exclamation points. This punctuation should be used only in extreme cases to denote powerful emotion. Overusing it throughout your work lessens its effect and lends an excessively colloquial tone to your writing. My main concern is that you never explicitly state your career objectives or where you see yourself in the next five to ten years. You were asked to address these questions in your essay. Since the edited essay stands at about 950 words, you have ample room to address these issues in your final draft. When you do so, be sure to go over the rest of the essay and to cut anything you think may not be as important as the information you provide about your future career plans. This is the one remaining problem that prevents your essay from being superb. Please note that I had to cut and move around significant portions of your original essay to improve flow and create a more coherent narrative. Here are my specific comments on each individual paragraph of your essay: Paragraph 1 Before: "Why can't I further the analysis? This model might seem more appropriate! Don't you find this intriguing?" After: "I constantly had to keep my anger and disappointment in check when my manager vetoed my attempts to conduct an intricate or more appropriate project analysis." Although it is good to use short sentences occasionally and to pose rhetorical questions, your discussion was too unstructured and conversational in the first paragraph. My edit provides a more eloquent account of your thoughts, yet one that still allows the reader to experience your dismay vicariously.#p#分页标题#e# "匢 often find that my pursuit of knowledge is in conflict with the group's goals." You should tell the reader what you thought those goals were, in order to convince him of your opinion. See the new detail I have suggested in the revised essay. Paragraph 2 Before: "Limitations at work got me wondering what I really wanted to do in life." After: "With the learning potential of my consulting position exhausted, I began considering the advantages of a return to academia." Your transition was weak. By explaining to the reader that you exhausted the learning potential of your position before you began to feel unsatisfied, you show your commitment to your work, as well as your maturity. Before: "卼he common goal of entrepreneurs: to become rich." After: "I was uninterested in pursuing wealth at the expense of the other passions in my life." Your statement is an oversimplification, since different entrepreneurs have different motivations for their work. By rephrasing this point, I show how you wanted to avoid falling into a trap that would result in a hollow existence. Paragraph 3 Before: "This is the beginning of my search for something 'more.'" After: "The day I left BCG, I was ecstatic. I felt as if I were finally free to pursue my intellectual interests. Though some may consider unemployment to be a depressing period, I relished my newfound freedom, exploring opportunities I hoped would satisfy my interests and goals." Although I know what you meant by "more," you need to be more precise in your diction. By using an introduction that relates your emotions, as well as your thoughts, I have provided the reader with an interesting account of how you moved to your next professional experience. Paragraph 4 I combined elements of Paragraph 6 here, because the research angle lent itself to an interesting combined paragraph. In addition, your writing was too repetitious in this paragraph, utilizing the same diction and sentence constructions in rapid succession. "卋y the common goal: to learn." There was no need to use a colon here. It looked awkward, and it interrupted the flow of your paragraph. Paragraph 5 I used this paragraph later in your essay because its original placement made it repetitive and tedious to read. Although it is good to intermingle long and short paragraphs, you should avoid having too many short paragraphs in succession. "卛ncreased their sales volume by 50%." Great job! Citing quantifiable results of your efforts shows the efficacy of your methods. Providing such details prevents the abstraction that can cause readers to skim your essay. Paragraph 6 This paragraph repeated information you already presented in Paragraph 4. Once you discuss an experience, such as your thesis, you are best served by not discussing it again in the next paragraph. Paragraph 7 "'globally'" Why did you put this in quotation marks? It is not an abstract idea, and it does not require special emphasis. "Any student would know where XXX is located and what it is about!" This is an oversimplification, and it is not true; some people do not know about XXX. Avoid excessive generalizations in your writing. "I'm particularly interested in Professor Vousden's project on "The Impact of EPS Accretion and Dilution on Stock Prices,"? This is good. You should always try to show the school that you have researched their programs and faculty, and that you have an interest in their current research. I cut the discussion of your cousin's exploits. This discussion was not germane to your argument. In addition, name-dropping does not usually work with XXX. Paragraph 8 "The main question now is: why should XXX choose me? The answer is simple: I am? Although some students choose to begin paragraphs this way, I do not recommend it. What you are stating is obvious, and the reader will be able to infer that you are a great candidate from the rest of your essay. In fact, since illustrating your qualifications for admittance is the whole point of this essay, you do not want to suggest that your only qualifications are outlined in one paragraph. Paragraph 9 I cut this paragraph because it was too clich閐 and pleading. It is better to conclude your essay on a final, powerful statement, rather than on an informal, colloquial note. Your essay is now more compelling. I enjoyed reading and working on it, and I wish you the best of luck in the admissions process. Sincerely, Edited Essay I was dumbfounded. An idealistic graduate of Dartmouth College, I had imagined that the business world would provide an excellent learning environment in which to explore and apply my theoretical training. I was wrong. Working as a consultant in BCG's Mergers and Acquisitions Transaction Advisory Group, I constantly had to keep my anger and disappointment in check when my manager vetoed my attempts to conduct an intricate or more appropriate project analysis. Finding BCG to be an intellectual hinterland obsessed with churning out mediocre evaluations at a blistering pace, I constantly asked myself, "Is this really what I want to be doing?" The answer to that question--and my deep commitment to intellectual inquiry--led me to make an important decision in my life. With the learning potential of my consulting position exhausted, I began considering the advantages of a return to academia. I was still interested in finance and economics, and I wanted to pursue a program in which I could apply my real-world experience. Unlike other colleagues who had returned to business school, however, I was uninterested in pursuing wealth at the expense of the other passions in my life. After careful examination, I realized that my passions lay in experimentation, in using complex analyses to test and refine theories. At BCG, this was impossible because of impediments such as frequent deadlines, incessant client demands, and stifling management. Since working as a consultant was becoming tedious and uninteresting, I resolved to move on and seek a more engaging opportunity. The day I left BCG, I was ecstatic. I felt as if I were finally free to pursue my intellectual interests. Although some may consider unemployment to be a depressing period, I relished my newfound freedom, exploring opportunities I hoped would satisfy my interests and goals. Through the Ameritech Corporation, I started my own business distributing discounted dental and vision plans. Running every phase of a new business was thoroughly engrossing and exciting. I developed financial business models tailored specifically to my personal business, and I studied the strategies of other successful business owners. Poring over books and magazines in bookstores and libraries, I taught myself the fundamentals of entrepreneurship and the nuances of financial planning. Realizing that I was enjoying my new endeavor because it combined elements of both the academic and professional worlds, I decided that the next logical move for me would be to attain higher education in business practices. Researching several graduate programs, I concluded that XXX's Ph.D. program in Business Economics was my best option because it provided intense academic study within the parameters of applicable business theory. My revived interest in academic study recalled the enriching experience I had had as an undergraduate at Dartmouth. Surrounded by intellectually engaging individuals from diverse backgrounds, I had developed an intense love of academic pursuits, especially finance and economics. Each semester, I hunted down professors, seeking to discuss economics and how the theories we were learning in class applied to the realities of the financial world. My passion for research grew out of my senior honors thesis entitled, "Picking Stocks Using Fundamental and Technical Analysis." I sought to prove that playing the stock market through technical analysis could substantially increase portfolio returns, even during turbulent economic periods. As I read through numerous case studies, including those from XXX Business School, I began to see how modern business practices adapt to and transform new economic theories in a synergistic, symbiotic process. By the time I concluded my thesis research in April 2001, I had achieved a fifty percent return on my portfolio despite the precipitous drop of the stock market. Exuberant over the success of my first major research project, I knew that I would pursue research interests in the not-so-distant future. At the age of nineteen, after only two and a half years of college, I became the youngest student in my class to graduate, and I did so with honors. I also experienced the joys of teaching and spreading my love of research to others at Dartmouth. During my junior and senior years, I tutored fellow students while juggling a schedule that included two internships. To build on this experience, I conducted numerous broker-training courses in my recent role at the Ameritech Corporation. The goal of my course was to show my colleagues how to incorporate the financial model I created for my business into their own strategic business plans. A number of my students have increased their sales volumes by over fifty percent as a result of implementing my strategies. Whenever I teach, I experience a close feeling of kinship with my students and enthusiastically convey my material in a manner that allows them to experience my love of learning.#p#分页标题#e# XXX's combination of superior faculty, state-of-the-art facilities, and diverse student body makes it the ideal environment in which to broaden my knowledge of business economics. The Business Economics Ph.D. program will give me the training to perform research in financial modeling and valuation methodologies, including complex topics such as the Black-Scholes option-pricing model. Of particular interest to me is Professor Vousden's project, "The Impact of EPS Accretion and Dilution on Stock Prices." Armed with an undergraduate degree in economics and significant professional experience, I have the background and commitment to succeed in XXX's rigorous Business Economics program. Essay samples: Unedited and edited(2) Taking over as a tank company executive officer I did not expect to have a difficult first week of work. It was a very exciting time for me as I had fought to get promoted to the tank company executive officer position and I had finally achieved my goal. After a few days on the job I realized that the prior executive officer was not being forthcoming when he had been reporting the company maintenance status to the company commander and battalion commander. Maintenance reports in an armor unit are very important to the success of a company executive officer and the former executive officer had wanted to look good instead of sending the truth. The army tracks the number of tanks that are maintenance down very closely, because at anytime we may be required to deploy and fight off of those tanks. When certain parts are broken on a tank it is non-mission capable, which means that it cannot be operated effectively. At least every week the companies report the maintenance status to battalion, who then forward it to the highest levels of the army. The army standard is to have 90% of the battalion's equipment, primarily the tanks, ready to fight. I attended the United States Military Academy, where from the first day of matriculation you make a commitment to uphold the cadet creed. It states, "A cadet will not lie, cheat, or steal nor tolerate those who do." Throughout my time at the academy I internalized the creed and became unquestionable with my integrity. Coming into a situation where my fellow army officer had not been adhering to the same standards was difficult for me. While I disagreed with what he had done, I developed a good relationship with most of the officers in the battalion and felt a need to try to help my fellow soldier without directly informing my superiors how bad the situation had become. The army is built on a team concept and as an officer you must be able to work with your fellow officers because you are training for the gravest of circumstances. If a war brakes out you must be able to depend on the teammates to your left and right and be willing to give your life to protect them. For an officer to inadvertently surrender a fellow officer to his superiors, unless he caused injury or death to a soldier, would cause me to loose face among my peers. I would lose the trust of some, especially those closest to the officer that was identified as the dishonest one. The out-going executive officer was well liked in the battalion and I am sure that a conflict between his friends and I would have ensued. Those that I considered my friends performing the job of executive officers in other companies sometimes fudged the numbers to meet the army maintenance requirement, but I refused to follow that path. I was faced with a difficult decision. I could simply send up an honest report from day one and expose the former executive officer for his fraudulent reporting or I could send up false reports myself to cover my fellow soldier. I convinced the company commander to give me a week to get a firm grip on the maintenance status of his company prior to giving him a report and sending one higher to the battalion commander. During that week I focused the maintenance team chief on the easiest to fix faults that would fix the most tanks the easiest. I also, talked with the former executive officer to ask why he had not been reporting his maintenance status accurately. He said that he was doing what everyone else was doing and that no one really cared if the numbers where a little off. I told him that I cared and that what ever I could not fix in a week would be sent up in a true report. He was only slightly concerned because he did not believe that I would deadline a lot of tanks, as the battalion would look bad to higher headquarters as a result. With the hard work of the mechanics and tankers, who wanted to fix their tanks, we were able to fix all but two of the six tanks that were truly down. I sent my report to the company commander and battalion commander. Since tanks break on a fairly frequent basis not to much was thought about the new tanks down for maintenance. The company commander did have a few words with the out-going executive officer, but nothing of great consequence. I kept my integrity intact and managed to minimize the damage to my fellow officer in the process. I sometimes have second thoughts about not exposing the less than honest compatriot, but by doing what I did I felt better about going to war with all my other teammates. This is an effective story that clearly lays out the complexity of the ethical dilemma you faced. Your unwillingness to submit fraudulent maintenance data is admirable, and I am sure that your comportment in this situation will leave a favorable impression on the admissions committee. However, there were certain changes that would make your essay better. First, your essay relies too heavily on technical military language. You need to vary your voice to keep the essay interesting. Some of the phrases you use are too specialized and could confuse a reader who is unfamiliar with military terminology. You should set layman (or, in this case, civilian) comprehension as the bar for your essay, and you should not use terminology that is excessively specialized. I have shown how to vary your language below. In addition, your essay was several hundred words over the word limit. I have suggested cutting out unnecessary details. Throughout the essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact. Here are my specific comments on each individual paragraph of your essay: Paragraph 1 It is useful to break up long paragraphs in order to highlight important ideas and to make your argument flow more naturally. In the introductory paragraph, for example, it is effective to use short and suggestive sentences that pull your reader into the piece and make him curious about the details that follow. "Taking over as a tank company executive officer I did not expect to have a difficult first week of work." This sentence strikes your reader as funny, if not absurd. To a reader with a civilian job, the position of "tank company executive officer" seems inherently challenging. Your assertion that you did not expect it to be difficult therefore leaves a strange impression. See the revised treatment of this idea in the edit that follows. "卬umber of tanks that are maintenance down? This is an example of military terminology that needed to be changed to be more comprehensible. My proposed rewritten sentence reads: "Army command needs to have an accurate count of battle-ready tanks in the case of deployment." "When certain parts are broken on a tank it is non-mission capable, which means that it cannot be operated effectively." This is too obvious to require pointing out. "The army standard is to have 90% of the battalion's equipment, primarily the tanks, ready to fight." This is too wordy and should be shortened to give it more punch. Here is what I suggest: "The army aims for ninety percent readiness in case of war." Paragraph 2 I suggest that you paint your specific ethical dilemma in starker terms. You do not adequately develop the tension between your commitment to integrity and your unwillingness to report a fellow officer. "卆nd became unquestionable with my integrity." This comes across as too dramatic. You need to show through examples that you had become uncompromising in your commitment to truth rather than to state it directly. "Coming into a situation where my fellow army officer had not been adhering to the same standards was difficult for me. While I disagreed with what he had done, I developed a good relationship with most of the officers in the battalion and felt a need to try to help my fellow soldier without directly informing my superiors how bad the situation had become." You should show that your decision not to turn in the officer was more complex than this and that you had to balance different concerns.#p#分页标题#e# Paragraph 3 Your original essay did not give a strong enough impression that you considered turning in your fellow officer, which would have been consistent with your oath, "not to tolerate those who [lie]." I have suggested expanding this discussion to make it more believable. "卌ause me to loose face among my peers. I would lose the trust of some, especially those closest to the officer that was identified as the dishonest one. The out-going executive officer was well liked in the battalion and I am sure that a conflict between his friends and I would have ensued." This calculus is a bit cynical; it is inadvisable to show how considerations of your friends' opinions impacted your decision. I suggest tweaking these sentences to leave a more powerful impression. See below for my proposed treatment. Paragraph 4 The flow of your original essay, especially between paragraphs, was a bit strained. I suggested several new transition sentences and phrases to make the essay read more smoothly. "卬o one really cared if the numbers where a little off. I told him that I cared? In addition to incorrect diction, this comes across as too brash and self-congratulatory. I suggest the following instead: "卬o one really cared about inaccurate numbers. He may have been right, but I did not find his argument compelling." With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best. Overall, your essay has been refined into a very strong personal statement that shows your admirable handling of a difficult situation. I wish you the best of luck in the admissions process. Sincerely, Edited Essay The officer I replaced had been less than forthcoming in his maintenance reports to the company and battalion commanders. The officer had fabricated data on the number of maintenance problems in order to look better in the eyes of his superiors. This presented me with a tricky problem. Army command needs an accurate count of battle-ready tanks in case of deployment. Companies send weekly reports on the maintenance status of their tanks to their battalion, and this data is passed on to the highest levels of army command. The army aims for ninety percent readiness in case of war. The outgoing officer's dishonesty was inconsistent with my (and his) military training; officers trained at the United States Military Academy take an oath from the first day of matriculation to maintain a strict standard of integrity. The cadet creed states that, "a cadet will not lie, cheat, or steal, nor tolerate those who do." I internalized this creed at the academy, and I became unyielding in my forthrightness. I could not overlook my fellow officer's behavior, but was it right for me to report him? The army is built on trust because soldiers must be able to rely on each other if they find themselves in combat. A soldier must trust the soldiers around him, and he must be willing to give his life to protect them. If I reported the dishonest commander, I would be compromising this trust and would lose face among my peers. An unspoken rule among officers forbids one from voluntarily surrendering another unless his negligence has led to the injury or death of a soldier. The outgoing executive officer was well liked, and I risked becoming unpopular with my men if I reported his infraction. Fudging numbers on maintenance reports was not uncommon, and I faced considerable pressure to overlook the impropriety. I had two options: I could send an honest report exposing the preceding officer's fraudulent reporting, or I could falsify reports myself, thus protecting his career. Neither option was palatable. To buy more time, I convinced the company commander to give me an additional week before submitting my report. I ordered the maintenance team chief to work overtime on the problems that were easiest to fix. I also met with the previous officer to discuss his behavior. He said that his actions were like everyone else's, and that no one cared about inaccurate numbers. He may have been right, but I did not find his argument compelling. I told him I would do my best to repair the unit, but that any remaining problems would be reported at the week's end. He was slightly concerned about looking bad to battalion command, but he appreciated my honesty and the efforts I was taking on his behalf. After a week of almost constant work by mechanics and tankers, four of the six damaged tanks had been repaired. I sent an honest report to the company and battalion commanders documenting the state of affairs. Tank breakdowns are fairly frequent in the army, so the two out-of-service vehicles did not raise suspicion. The outgoing executive officer did receive some harsh words from the company commander, but nothing of great consequence. I had maintained my integrity and minimized damage to my fellow officer. Although I still question the propriety of not exposing his negligence, the decision I made allowed me to preserve the trust of my men and the exacting standards of the army. Leadership & Teamwork As a consultant at Aquent, I lead a sales reform project consisting of 20 members in one of the world biggest communication companies. The company encountered a problem that as the 1800 sales representatives had contracted many project orders related to the network construction with a fatally low profit ratio or with a high risk, the deficit of the company had swollen to as much as 150 million dollars. To combat this problem, our sales reform project decided to implement "Project Forward", which deliberated project orders and decided whether the company would contract them or not. My responsibility was to formulate the procedure of "Project Forward" and implement this procedure in all sales divisions. When two months had passed since the executives announced to start the "Project Forward", the sales performed it only few times though they should have carried out it dozens of times in this period. Encountering the difficulty to implement the new measure, I carried out the following points as a leader. First, I led the members in the right direction to grasp a basic cause of the problem. One executive manager of the sales reform project proposed to continue the "Project Forward" by force because this measure was indispensable to the company. But I opposed to the forcing technique of him. I emphasized that to solve the problem we should stop once and grasp the origin of a cause thoroughly by asking the sales representatives the reason why they did not carry out the new measures. With the sales reform project members, I started the hearings to the 36 sales representatives of all sales departments. Consequently, I cleared the issues, decided upon the countermeasures and defined the required tasks so that the members could perform. I realized that sales representatives did not understand the goal of "Project Forward". And I found that two other Business Process Reengineering (BPR) project was running besides our sales reform project. The sales was confused by the relation of these new processes. Moreover, holding two posts concurrently, the members administrating the council were too busy at existent tasks to manage the "Project Forward." Next, I created the task list required to implement countermeasures with defining the priority and assigned roles to the project members. With a high priority, we integrated the three BPR into one. We created an integrated process flow easy for the sales to understand and held jointly single meeting to introduce the new measures to the sales people. Additionally, we made the resource managers assign 2 full-time people to manage "Project Forward" in each sales division. Finally, I led the people toward the target with motivating them. Since I believed that we could not successfully implement the measure without changing the sales representatives' mind, I tried to change it by telling enthusiastically the purpose of "Project Forward" at the hearing and the mailing list. As a result, the sales people had ownership to the "Project Forward" and the motivation became higher and higher gradually. By resolving critical issues, we could successfully implement the "Project Forward" with high motivation of the sales representatives. Since I have successfully taken the responsibility, which leads a project as a consultant, I am sure that I possess the nature as a leader. I want to make the most use of my nature and experience by learning knowledge, view and behavior required for a leader at XXX, and to grow up to be a true leader. I want to combat "Digital Divide" and everyone to enjoy the profits of IT revolution equally. I subscribed for the volunteer of "IT course" from this thought. "IT course" is a national movement, which the Japanese government is carrying out. It aims at that all people can enjoy the benefit of IT revolution, and forming "IT nation" which is internationally competitive. Specifically, its purpose is to make all people use the Internet. The 54,500 million yen benefit has come out from the country for about 5,500,000 participants. I supported from starting of "IT course" to execution as a volunteer of Ohta-ku, Tokyo.#p#分页标题#e# Two Ota-ku personnel and about 100 volunteers gathered in Tokyo in April 2001. We decided how to advance future "IT course". To my surprise, the personnel of Ota-ku who should manage "IT course" did not own their e-mail address. They proposed to connect by mail, not e-mail. The administration of Japan is really behind in IT area. Since we could not communicate smoothly by mail, I created the mailing list instead of them, cut the role, which adjusted between volunteer members. The volunteer member had big deviation in IT skill, from the man who is teaching computer skills to the visually handicapped person to the old man who could just use e-mail recently. However, the desire to combat "Digital Divide" was the same. I was perplexed because unlike the usual project members in Aquent, the 100 persons' skills and the backgrounds were really diversified. Then, I investigated all of the members' skill and decided team members, dividing skills equally. And until the course started team members gathered several times, since each member did not know the other members at all. The consciousness as a team has budded gradually through the meetings. I learned the importance to strengthen union in a team. The 1st course used two days and about 30 participants gathered. The veteran man who experienced a computer lecturer and I acted as the main lecturers and the other 3 volunteers supported the students. Since many of the participants were women, I introduced how to acquire the coupon of a restaurant by the Internet. One old man of a lecturer distributed the sound and the picture, which he has made, and taught the technique to append them to e-mail. Students realized the pleasure of the Internet by our lecture. Although each lecturer contributed to the lesson taking advantage of his or her strong point, only one person was worried because he could not much contribute. Then, at the 2nd school, I decisively asked him to act the main lecturer. Although he turned down at first, he finally accepted my offer on condition that I teach the method of a lecture before the next course. Then he finished splendidly. Since his IT skill was not high at first, he understood a beginner's feeling and it became a very intelligible lesson. By assigning suitable role for each member, the person can demonstrate his or her power to the maximum extent. Regarding team-building it is the most important that all the members have the same purpose. And the team can attain the purpose when each acts a suitable role and demonstrates a strong point to the maximum extent and compensates a mutual weak point. Union of a team is indispensable. I have experienced many team-buildings in the lacrosse team and Aquent's projects. I am well acquainted with the greatness of every person's power being set to one. I chose XXX because of its culture, which regards the teamwork as important. By gaining team-building experience in the diversity environment, my teamwork skills can fully be enhanced. And I want to use the skill for the dissolution of "Digital Divide", which is one of my personal missions. These essays are well organized and contain the perfect amount of concrete detail. Allowing the reader to learn about you by illustrating your qualities through relevant memories is a very effective technique in essay writing. In addition, your use of one professional and one personal narrative gives the reader a strong sense of your character, both in and out of the workplace. I made a few important changes to the overall structure of your essays, and I made a number of sentence-level adjustments. In addition, I corrected all grammatical errors that I found, including misused articles, verb conjugations, and prepositions. Although I have not cited each specific change, these revisions were an essential part of my editing--they ensured that your essays to XXX were as formal and rigorous as possible. I also adapted sentence structure, vocabulary, and syntax in many places, always with the goal of improving clarity and readability. Although I did not encounter any major problems with your word choice or level of English (something you were concerned about), I have nonetheless offered alternative wording choices so that your essay can be as effective as possible. See the text of each essay for examples of the changes I propose. Here are my specific comments pertaining to each individual essay: Essay 1 The most significant problem with the wording of this essay was the conclusion, which contained the following phrases: "卹esolving critical issues? "I want to make the most use of my nature and experience by learning knowledge? "卆nd to grow up to be a true leader? These phrases do not do adequate justice to the individuality of your essay. All leaders "resolve critical issues," and all XXX applicants want to "learn knowledge" and to become "true leaders." Consequently, these assertions do not separate you from other applicants. In the revised conclusion, I have more carefully described the unique elements of your leadership philosophy, including your willingness to work with others, your emphasis on shared goals, and your ability to delegate authority and to motivate your teammates. Your essay does a good job of illustrating your use of these techniques, and I have given them greater prominence in my edit. "I carried out the following points as a leader." This is an awkward transition because it is too obvious. See the subtler transition sentence that I have provided. Finally, please note that I replaced instances of the pronoun "we" with "I," since this essay is about you. It is perfectly acceptable to highlight your own accomplishments, especially since these accomplishments are more impressive than those achieved through collective effort. Never be afraid to make yourself the central character in your essays. Essay 2 In contrast to your first essay, the second essay required a more engaging introduction. An effective way to grab the reader's attention is to drop him right into the story. See the narrative device I used to introduce the reader directly into the drama. In addition, please note that your original first sentence sounded too much like a thesis statement. It is not necessary to outline your argument explicitly in the first paragraph, and I have shown how you can develop your story gradually to build suspense. By describing your goals after outlining the nature of the new IT course, you can whet the reader's appetite and draw him into your essay. Also, "Digital Divide" was not clearly defined in the introduction, so I added new details to ensure that any reader will understand what you mean. You should always explain terminology that might be unfamiliar to a reader. "54,500 million" In the interest of readability, this should be rewritten as: "54.5 billion." "The administration of Japan is really behind in IT area." This sentence is too informal for use in an application essay. "I learned the importance to strengthen union in a team." The phrase, "I learned," is overused in application essays, and it drains the power out of effective descriptions. I have restricted the use of this phrase to the conclusion, the only position in which it is truly effective. "By assigning suitable role for each member, the person can demonstrate his or her power to the maximum extent." The use of the word "power" is incorrect in this context. I have reworded this sentence to make it flow better. "I chose XXX because of its culture, which regards teamwork as important." This detail is ineffective since it is obvious that XXX would regard teamwork as important. "卼he diversity environment? Allusions to "diversity" are often overused in application essays. I have retained your core idea but have reworked it to make your language fresh and engaging. Your essays now read much better and will leave a more lasting impression on the admissions committee. I wish you the best of luck in the application process. Sincerely, Edited Essays Despite a flurry of activity, two months went by with no results. The sales divisions failed to enact the new procedures I had designed, and the company amassed an alarming number of high-risk project orders. With implementation problems mounting, I knew it was up to me to find a solution. One executive manager, angry over the lack of sales cooperation, proposed putting Project Forward into operation by force. Believing that we needed to grasp the cause of Project Forward's failure before we could implement an adequate solution, I proposed a different approach. I suggested that we simply ask the sales representatives why they neglected to carry out the new measures. After interviewing thirty-six sales representatives from all sales departments, I discovered that, broadly speaking, sales representatives did not understand the goal of Project Forward. Two other Business Process Reengineering (BPR) projects were competing for their attention, and the sales representatives did not know which projects pertained to their work. Moreover, since the members administering Project Forward each had their own existing posts and roles, they were too busy to manage Project Forward effectively. Having identified the problem, I designed a solution. I created a task list that assigned roles to the project members. Then, I assimilated the other two BPR projects into our own, integrating all three into one, centrally-administered program. After creating an integrated process flow that was easy for sales representatives to understand, I held joint meetings to introduce the new measures to the sales people. In addition, resource managers were directed to assign two people to manage Project Forward full-time in each sales division. Finally, I used motivational techniques to ensure that Project Forward was executed with vigor. Since I observed that we could not successfully implement the measure without changing the sales representatives' minds about the council's usability, I enthusiastically discussed the purpose of Project Forward at the joint meetings and through our mailing list. I showed the sales division that they owned Project Forward and should share in its establishment. As a result, the motivation exhibited by these representatives grew more and more intense. Solving this problem taught me several essential traits that a leader must exhibit. A leader must clearly identify the problems that are hindering a project's success, and then he must address those issues by making every team member a stakeholder in the project's success. By raising awareness of a project's goals and purposes, a leader can then motivate his teammates to contribute. Leadership is centrally interactive, and only by working in harmony with an organization can a leader guarantee long-term success. In April of 2001, two colleagues from Ota-ku and about one hundred volunteers gathered in Tokyo to address a growing problem in Japan: the "Digital Divide." Our plan was to establish a course in information technology and to leverage the 54.5 billion yen endowment of a national movement in order to train Japanese citizens in the usage of on-line resources. At the opening of the meeting, however, I was surprised to learn that the Ota-ku personnel who were to be managing the IT course did not have their own email addresses! They proposed to correspond by mail, not by email, and from that point forward, I knew that I had my work cut out for me. To overcome a seemingly insurmountable challenge, I first assessed my resources. I analyzed the specific skills of each volunteer so that I could give them appropriate roles in setting up the course. Conducting this research, I found that the one hundred volunteers, unlike my colleagues at Aquent, had very diversified levels of training; some volunteers taught computer classes daily, while others had only recently mastered the basics of email. Despite differing levels of experience, all volunteers shared a common goal--to conquer the Digital Divide. After investigating all of the members' skills, I created teams from small groups of volunteers, carefully distributing teammates so that their skills were equally divided amongst groups. Next, before the course began, I arranged for the teams to gather several times so that the team members could become acquainted with each other. Gradually, throughout the course, I continued to build unity within each team, and I watched team consciousness bud with each successive meeting. The first course lasted for two days and taught essential IT skills to about thirty participants. An experienced computer teacher and I acted as the main lecturers while three other volunteers supported the students. Since many of the participants were women who did not work during the day, my first lesson addressed how to acquire restaurant coupons on-line. As one of our older volunteer lecturers described sound and picture files, and taught participants how to attach them to email, I noticed that the students were already realizing the pleasure of the Internet. As the course progressed, I ensured that each lecturer contributed to the lessons by discussing his or her area of expertise. At one point, a volunteer became worried because he doubted that he could contribute. During the second session, I asked him to act as the main lecturer for the next class. Although he turned me down at first, he finally accepted my offer on the condition that I teach him lecturing techniques before the next class. Ultimately, he finished splendidly. Since his IT skills were not strong at first, he understood the fear and confusion that many of our beginners experienced, and was therefore able to deliver effective instruction to a wide audience. By drawing on the unique talents of each volunteer, I succeeded in crafting an IT course that was richer than I had imagined. From the first time the volunteers shared their skills with the group, through each volunteer's turn lecturing, I cultivated a constructive atmosphere in which every team member could play an important role. As a result, each member was able to build on his strong points and to find an indispensable unity in the team. Today, I look forward to joining the community at XXX, another environment in which diverse individuals, with distinct talents, come together for the shared goal of their education.
In the 1990s, globalization has changed the business world profoundly. Companies of different country origins now can reach customers worldwide and cut their production and operation costs through international chains of production and distribution. Today, Gillette Co. is manufacturing razors in Russia, Fidelity Investment is selling its funds in Germany, and Citicorp is serving millions of customers from Asia to America. Meanwhile, global markets are featured with constant changes, intense competition, and heightened customer expectation, making it ever more difficult for a company to gain and maintain its competitive edge. Managers have to take broader responsibilities in the global economy. A successful manager will monitor the competitive landscape and decide if his organization has the strategies, structures and the people that can fulfill its global interest. In spite of the different approaches he may take, he always has to build the commitment to the global economy and develop the necessary strengths for international business throughout his company. Being exposed to global economy does not mean that a company will easily become international. Transiting from a national company to an international one will take an adjustment of attitude as well as operation. Explaining the challenges and opportunities, and addressing to employees' concerns, such as how globalization affect their jobs, are a manager's first steps to make the transition. An excellent salesman in the U.S. may not work equally well in China or Brazil. In order to act globally, a company needs the right people with the right skills. Developing global working teams that have the necessary skills to work with people of different countries and cultures, then, is the next thing on a manager's agenda. Also, a successful manager will help his company tailor its global strategies to its resources and capacities. It would be great to have 1 billion customers by the year 2010 like Citicorp might, but not every company has the size and global reach of Citigroup. Nonetheless, size is not everything. It's the quality of the products and services that a company can offer that matters. In stead of being all the things to all the people, a smaller company can take alternative approaches to the global market, such as focusing on a certain market sector in which it can compete efficiently. A manager must find the best strategies available and then establish appropriate policies in international marketing, finance, and human resource management accordingly. And then, these strategies will be continually monitored to take into account new advances in the business world. Furthermore, different cultures, laws, and market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering. A manager has to shape his company into a flexible organization so that it can learn from and respond to fast-changing environments. In addition to developing global working teams, mastering technology is another central part of this action. With the help of technology, a manager will be able to direct and control operations on diverse scopes and scales. More importantly, since everyone has access to technology, how a manager leverages technology for competitive advantage will make the difference. In a world fraught with intensive competition, ideas become the ultimate power that makes a company stand out. In order to be recognized and chosen by customers, a company has to be creative and do things special. A manger's responsibilities must include encouraging and stimulating new ideas and techniques. To this end, he will look for new markets, customers, and allies with the purpose of generating new revenues and reducing costs.#p#分页标题#e# In the field of finance, globalization has compelled managers to make their decisions in the shadow of uncertainty. Numerous forces affect international capital markets. As the markets become more and more integrated, the changes in one market will induce chain reactions that will eventually sweep all the markets. One of such an example is the Asian currency crisis that happened in 1997, which is still affecting the world's economy at this time. On the other hand, as the world moves toward common standard of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations. Financial managers must look for innovative ways to manage risk. In every global company, corporate financial managers will have to deal with the cultural and legal differences among countries to protect corporate assets and earnings. This requires that they have to take bigger roles in their companies' decision-making process in order to develop effective strategies that make the most of an uncertain situation. At the same time, accelerated innovation from financial service industry has given rise to arrays of resources for international financing. Keeping pace with the changes in the financial tools and effectively making use of different financial producll be an important part in corporate financial manager's work. In financial service industry, globalization has triggered new operation standards. The emergence of Citigroup has demonstrated an example of one-stop shopping for financial products, which has combined different kinds of financial services such as banking, insurance, brokerage, and investment banking. But again, bigger is not always better. Instead, introducing new services, tailoring individualized solutions to customers' needs, and inventing more options for customers to access may lead to success. There are always new ways to compete, and managers should never give up finding those ways. For a future manager, tackling the global economy is an inevitable task. In addition to the knowledge international business, he must have such skills as leadership, communication and cooperation, and organization to take the responsibility. As the leading school in global management issues, XXX will equip me with cutting-edge business knowledge and skills thatwill help me understand and anticipate the expectations of international guests and business associates. Also, the school's international environment will give me first-hand exposure to how people of different cultures think, act and communicate. These upgraded knowledge and skills, I believe, will pave my way to a global player in my future career. This is a very engaging essay that proves the depth of your meditation on global management. Your ideas are simultaneously strong and persuasive, and they do a great job of showing the reader your managerial potential. However, there were ways in which this essay could be improved. The simple fact that your essay is so comprehensive also means that it is hard to follow at points. You have so many ideas that your reader occasionally becomes overwhelmed by the nuances of your argument. To ensure that your essay reads smoothly, I made extensive changes to the structure of your text. Throughout the essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact. Here are my specific notes on each original paragraph of the text: Paragraph 1 Your original first paragraph was very dense, and I identified three main arguments, which I separated into different paragraphs. First, I provided an introduction proper that grabs the reader's attention by expanding upon your reflections on business variability. Second, I expanded your discussion of the global reach of business today. Finally, I refined and expanded your engaging reflections on what makes a business truly "global." "In the 1990s, globalization has changed the business world profoundly." This is true, but the formulation of this sentence is too prosaic for an introduction. See the more creative approach that I suggest. Paragraph 2 The details in this paragraph were misplaced. I have taken your core ideas and have used them to buttress arguments elsewhere in your essay. "An excellent salesman in the U.S. may not work equally well in China or Brazil. In order to act globally, a company needs the right people with the right skills." These sentences are redundant. It is better to make your point through an illustrative example than to state it explicitly. Paragraph 3 This paragraph was also very dense, and the melding together your arguments made it hard to identify the important differences between them. I have separated this paragraph into three separate parts to ensure that the nuances of your ideas are appreciated. First, I described the importance of adjusting company goals to exploit the competitive advantages of each company's specific resources. Next, I showed how human resources can be used to bridge cultural gaps in business. Finally, I drew upon and expanded your discussion of technological innovation. "Nonetheless, size is not everything. It's the quality of the products and services that a company can offer that matters." The tone of this sentence is too conversational for a formal essay. In addition, you should avoid all contractions in formal writing. Here is my alternative suggestion: "While a manager should take the limitations of his corporation into account, he must also remember that the quality of his products and services can achieve success that mere global reach cannot." "Furthermore, different cultures, laws, and market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering." This is a very important idea that should be treated at greater length in your essay. See how I have marshaled details from throughout your original text to expand this idea into a complete paragraph. Paragraph 4 Your reflections on the interrelations of global financial markets are quite developed. While your arguments in this paragraph are tight, they required new transition sentences to ensure that the reader understands the progression of your logic. "On the other hand, as the world moves toward common standard of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations." You should draw this thought to conclusion. I suggest appending the following sentence: "Financial managers must therefore look for innovative ways to manage risk." Paragraph 6 Your essay becomes a bit unfocused in this paragraph. It is essential that you do not unnecessarily repeat ideas that you have treated either implicitly or explicitly elsewhere in the text. I have mined this paragraph for new details that could be employed elsewhere and have streamlined your argument to ensure a more effective presentation. "But again, bigger is not always better. Instead, introducing new services, tailoring individualized solutions to customers' needs, and inventing more options for customers to access may lead to success." This argument is redundant. I have eliminated it from this paragraph. Paragraph 7 The core argument of your conclusion was quite compelling. I provided a more natural transition sentence to introduce the conclusion and have adjusted your sentence-level diction to end on an eloquent note. "卙e must have such skills as leadership, communication and cooperation, and organization to take the responsibility." You should be more precise here. I propose the following: "卙e must have such skills as leadership, communication and organization, as well as the ability to guide his company through any form of change." With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best. Overall, the refined essay does a great job of outlining your unique and highly-nuanced reflections on global management. I wish you the best of luck in the application process. Sincerely, Edited Essay Discuss the effect that an increasingly global economy may have on your future responsibilities as a manager, both generally and as regards your chosen field, and what you hope to learn at XXX to enable you to meet this challenge? Companies today can now reach customers in every nation and can cut operational costs through global production and distribution systems. Gillette Co., for instance, manufactures razors in Russia, Fidelity Investment sells its funds in Germany, and Citicorp serves millions of customers from Asia to America. Meanwhile, international markets undergo constant change, intense competition, and heightened customer expectation, which make it increasingly difficult for a company to gain and maintain its competitive edge. Managers in this brave new world must therefore master a broad range of business talents.#p#分页标题#e# Successful managers must survey the competitive landscape and equip their organizations with the strategies, structures, and personnel to compete in a constantly changing environment. In spite of the different approaches managers may choose, one thing remains constant--they must instill a commitment to globalization throughout their companies. Simple exposure to an expanded economy does not make a corporation "international." Instead, there needs to be a widespread adjustment of attitude, as well as sweeping changes in operation, to ensure a company's profitability. The initial steps a manager must take are twofold: He must clearly outline the challenges and opportunities of an international market, and he must address the individual talents of each employee. A successful manager will tailor his company's global strategies to suit its resources and capacities. This involves setting realistic goals without losing sight of more elevated ones. Not every corporation, for instance, has the size and reach of Citicorp, which will have one billion customers by the year 2010. While a manager should take the limitations of his corporation into account, he must also remember that the quality of his products and services can foster success that mere global reach cannot. Instead of being "all things to all people," a smaller company can take a more specialized approach to the global market by focusing on a certain sector in which it can excel. To achieve this, it is critical to match the talents and experience of each employee to the task best suited to him. For instance, a salesman who excels in the United States may not possess the cultural knowledge needed to succeed in China or Brazil. Different cultures, laws, and market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering. A manager must develop working teams that have the skills necessary to interact with people throughout the world. It is therefore the duty of the manager to decide which strategies work best and to follow up with appropriate policies in international marketing, finance, and human resources. This is an ongoing task that requires continual monitoring of new advances in the business world. A manager must shape his company into a flexible organization that can learn from and respond to fast-changing environments. Another critical aspect of success is the proper integration of technological developments into the corporation. Technology enables a manager to direct and control operations in a multitude of business environments. With the growing availability of technology to all competitors, moreover, a manager must properly implement technological initiatives to give his company a market advantage. In a world fraught with intense competition, ideas are the ultimate asset of a successful corporation. In order to be recognized and chosen by customers, a company must be both creative and unique. A manager's responsibility thus includes stimulating new ideas and innovations that will push the company forward in the marketplace. In the field of finance, globalization compels managers to make decisions in the shadow of uncertainty. Numerous forces affect international capital markets. As the markets become more and more integrated, changes in one region will initiate chain reactions that can eventually affect all others. One such example is the Asian currency crisis of 1997, which is still affecting the world's economy today. However, as the world moves toward common standards of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations. Financial managers must therefore look for innovative ways to manage risk. Every global corporation will have to address the cultural and legal differences among countries to protect corporate assets and earnings. This requires that the financial manager play a larger role in the company's decision-making process to develop strategies to address concerns. He must keep abreast of new resources for international financing that arise from improvements in the financial services industry. Globalization has also triggered new operational standards. Citigroup, for instance, is a one-stop destination for financial services that include commercial banking, investment banking, insurance, and retail brokerage. Much like traditional industries in which returns to scale are critical for achieving maximum profitability, Citigroup demonstrates that providing such a variety of options to customers ensures a continued revenue stream. Tackling the global economy is a task that every manager must be prepared to meet. In addition to knowledge of international business, he must have such skills as leadership, communication and organization, as well as the ability to guide his company through any form of change. As the leader in global management education, XXX is uniquely positioned to equip its students with cutting-edge business knowledge and skills. The school's international environment grants firsthand exposure to how people of different cultures think, act, and communicate. Acquiring these crucial skills is the key to any future that involves globalization. Career Path & Personal Achievement PAST CAREER DEVELOPMENT AND FUTURE GOALS Have you ever seen, heard of or witnessed any of the following things? -- The surface of the sea littered with dead sheep. -- A domestic waste landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths due to the resultant flood of waste? -- Tea vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half-price? -- A little girl's death resulting from her fall through an open sewage manhole in her school garden? -- Radioactive waste sold to unsuspecting scrap dealers, causing their deaths. -- A twenty year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil and killing sea life. Unfortunately, such environmental disasters have become common place in Turkey. Concerned about such situations, and aware of the insensitivity of the authorities towards our environment and health, I sought to learn ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences, in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to do just that. I went on to earn a Master's degree in environmental sciences, subsequently attending a professional international management certificate program in order to gain management perspective. In order to make use of my technical knowledge and management skills in an effective way, I was aware of the fact that I should start working in a large company that would in turn would provide me insight experience from various industries and the international business arena. I have now worked in the energy and environment group of Lec Corporation headquarters, the first and biggest diversified conglomerate, for nearly two years as a project engineer, mainly responsible for environment and energy sector investments of our holding companies. This work position gave me an opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world which expanded my international perspective. Working with American partners and English consultants, I gleaned the subtle meaning of being a professional. Though it was unusual for a young associate to be a representative for my company at such events, I am proud to say that my outstanding work performance allowed me to seize the opportunity to attend various meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC and the World Bank that increased my self-confidence and improved my management skills. While working in various business lines, such as automotive industry, consumer durables and energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so ignorant or insensitive that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments and, as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to adequately prevent problems. For instance, with a population over eight million people, Istanbul, the biggest city in Turkey does not have a properly operating sewage system, and in most of the areas wastewater is discharged directly to Bosphorus. Ultimately, I am interested in helping to solve my country's problems by starting my own environmental services business in Turkey, serving both local and international customers giving cost effective and appropriate solutions differing from waste management to safety management. WHY MBA AND XXX SCHOOL? Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management experiences/skills, especially in finance, marketing and entrepreneurship. I also miss important knowledge of American environment. It is essential that I master these skills since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur. The XXX School's MBA program is the bridge where I am and where I want to be. The inventiveness and uniqueness of the XXX School's both entrepreneurial and finance programs impressed me. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship from interacting with my XXX School classmates. I value the fact that at the XXX School, entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom but continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance a dose of theory with real-world application. The XXX School's curriculum and hands-on experiences through associations, internships and the management field study provide this balance, as demonstrated by the variety and success of its alumni.#p#分页标题#e# I am also drawn to XXX School because of its emphasis on teamwork and technology. XXX School's MBA program proposes such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance,12-week field application projects, global immersion program directed to teach thinking and acting globally. Further, the XXX School's flexible entrepreneurial program allows students to choose electives from 200 courses that will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. After a long search I found in XXX a top quality business school, able to provide me with the opportunities to gain the knowledge I need for my future in addition to putting me in contact with a diverse student environment and ensure my perception of American values. Moreover, my background and my desire to succeed will allow me to flourish in the XXX program. I liked the alumni network and student clubs present at XXX.XXX has one of the strongest and largest alumni networks with 70,000 alumni in more than 130 countries of which I would like to be honored to be a member of. I count very much on earning a XXX School MBA degree to help me strengthen both my finance knowledge and entrepreneurial skills, necessary to enable me to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational American-based firm; this, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long term ambition of starting my own company and helping Turkey improve its environmental record. I am now on my way to the next step in my career planning which involves receiving an MBA degree from XXX. My experience and technical knowledge guided my success during each new venture I attempted. These early accomplishments boosted my confidence that I would soon be closer to my goal of being a successful young entrepreneur. I believe I am on the right path to achieve my goals. I now anxiously await the next phase in my development. I know that my skills along with my experience will continue to aid in achieving my long-term objective. Essay 2: Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. In addition to recounting this achievement, please analyze how the event has changed your understanding of yourself and how you perceive the world around you. When I was an undergraduate, I was asked, as part of a class, to select a project on which I wished to work with supervisor whom I was interested in studying with. I had chosen to study with the Head of the University's Chemistry Department on a project named "Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials." After the earthquake disaster that hit Turkey, causing approximately 30,000 people to die, the State Planning Organization of Turkey has used the model we developed in the project to determine the risks posed by materials spilled around the region devastated by the earthquake. In addition to working with me on my project, my supervisor also provided me with other important assistance. My supervisor was a person who not only lectured about the issue at hand but also shared his vast knowledge about the practical experience of his professional and personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences in order to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. On my own, I became president of the Environment Club, organizing technical site visits and meetings regarding environmental engineering for freshmen students. One day, my supervisor told me about a non-profit organization named Cekud of which he was a member. I was impressed with the group's activities. Cekud's main activity is a tree-planting campaign called "Seven Trees." The idea for the campaign comes from the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs annually. I decided to organize a planting day with Cekud. We have rent a bus and went to the decided planting are together with forty-five students. There were also small kids of ages between eight to fifteen associated with Cekud representatives. When I asked who they were, I am informed that they were the participants of one of the other Cekud activities named " Education for our future". Main purpose of the program is to educate children of poor families who can not afford to take preparatory courses for college and/or university entrance exams. At that day we have planted 650 trees and named the little forest as our Club's forest. I was impressed with Cekud's activities and decided to work at Cekud as a volunteer especially for the education program. While working with Cekud , I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses. I have noticed that Cekud is the place to make one of my childhood dreams come true. I spent much of my childhood moving around Turkey because my father was an officer in the Turkish army. The perspective and insight gained during that time have been significant factors in my personal development. In the early 1980's, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major issue for citizens. For a time, we attended school in the company of soldiers. I attended three different primary schools because my family moved so often. We stayed in least developed towns of Eastern Turkey. People were suffering from unemployement as a result welfare. My classmates were from poor families who could hardly speak Turkish and could not afford to get school uniforms even hardly afford to receive basic human needs such as medicine, food, education to survive. Those regions were much affected by the unpredictable economic conditions and terorism present in Turkey in those days. Because of this instability, the quality of my education suffered. Yet I was well aware that I would need to study hard in order to succeed in life. With my determination and perseverance, I did well in my college and university entrance exams, winning admission to one of the best colleges in Ankara and to university in Istanbul. With our luck and ambition, we succeeded in receiving the best education possible, but I knew first hand the difficult lives these children were facing. Early in life, I vowed to help the people if I was ever able to do so. Knowing about the facts of Turkey as a well educated and a loyal Turkish youngman., I am feeling responsible for those people I started allocating approximately six hours at the weekeneds educating those kids. Giving them mathematics, physics and chemistry lectures. I took the responsibility of two kids who were at the age of ten and eleven years old. We targeted to make them pass through the private college entrance exam that will be governmentally sponsored all through their education life. After a seven months of period we succeeded. They entered the colleges. This summer they are going to graduate from high school. I not only lectured them but also became their brother by listening their problems and trying to solve them. We also went to picnics and arranged city sight seeing tours to make them also socially strong citizens. Cekud became the chance I needed to honor my vow. I consider helping these two kids to be my most significant personal accomplishment to date. As one of our famous poets Nazim Hikmet mentioned; "Karanliktan sikayet edecegine bir mum da sen yak" "Do not complain about the darkness, instead add a candle". My candles are still burning. You answered the questions vividly and comprehensively, and my job was to ensure that your essays were as eloquent as possible. The biggest problem regarding these essays was their content; the introduction to the first essay, for instance, was too wordy and read like a list of disjointed images. I have taken extensive notes on this and other problems that I have addressed in your essays. In terms of structure, the only major adjustment required in these essays was the elimination of subheadings. As I mention in my notes, American admissions officers--and, for that matter, American readers in general--prefer essays in which ideas flow smoothly into one another. In other words, unlike business documents, in which the use of subheadings allows the reader easily to pick out passages containing certain information, an admissions essay should make a persuasive argument that is bound together with well-constructed transitions. In each of the essays, it seemed as if you got off to a good start, but then ran out of steam; your essays ended weakly rather than ending with "a bang." See my specific notes on each essay's respective conclusion. Rather than making radical (and unnecessary) structural changes to your essays, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting points, and making the logic of your ideas stand out. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of your ideas. I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated phrases or sentences that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and varied the vocabulary to render the text more lucid and vivid. I also varied the length of sentences in order to make the rhythm of the text more interesting. (Please note that you should avoid starting too many sentences with "I." Instead, try to add more transitional phrases like "Additionally," or insert clauses before the pronoun: "In 1999, I began to work?quot#p#分页标题#e# I noticed a few sections in which your writing was either too vague or abstract, or where transitional passages were too abrupt. See my notes regarding these sections below. Essay One Paragraph One You cite strong and vivid images in this paragraph, but you should avoid presenting them as a list. Admissions officers will be far more impressed if you can seamlessly weave these images into the text. I condensed your listings and have modified your format into a paragraph form. Paragraph 2 Did you enter college at age fifteen? You should be more precise about your educational history, and you should explain exactly when you attended university. Paragraphs 3 and 4 These two paragraphs were both related, so I condensed them into a single discussion. Having too many paragraphs can make an essay seem choppy and digressive. Paragraphs 5 and 6 When you describe Lec Corporation as, "the first and biggest diversified conglomerate," do you mean that it was the first and biggest conglomerate in Turkey? I assumed that this was the case, but be sure to change this detail if it is incorrect. Paragraphs 8 and 9 The phrase "appropriate solutions" is vague. How about "adaptable" instead? In addition, note how I built a better transition from Paragraph 9 to Paragraph 10, and how I streamlined your arguments to make them more targeted. Paragraphs 10 and 11 Your discussion in these paragraphs was excessively wordy, and I consolidated it to keep your argument on track. Also, once you have written out the school's full name, you can refer to it simply as "XXX." Paragraph 13 This entire paragraph was very redundant. Most of the details in this paragraph have been used elsewhere, so I suggest eliminating this paragraph in the interest of concision. Paragraph 14 This paragraph sounded like a brochure. I suggested incorporating the alumni network and student group information into the preceding paragraph. Paragraphs 15 and 16 Again, these paragraphs do not add much to your essay. It is better to end with a solid conclusion rather than to conclude weakly. I condensed this section of your essay. Essay Two Paragraph 1 The first sentence of this paragraph was very unclear, and I rephrased it to simplify structure and to clarify meaning. Be sure to cite the year in which the earthquake occurred. Paragraph 4 "We have rent a bus? Who is the "we" in this sentence? I assumed that you were referring to your Cekud coworkers, but be sure to correct this if it is incorrect. Paragraph 5 "I was impressed with Cekud's activities." Watch out for redundant phrases--you used the exact same phrase in Paragraph 3. "While working with Cekud, I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses? This detail is interesting, but it ultimately distracts from your narrative. I have eliminated it. Paragraphs 7 and 8 These paragraphs were too wordy. I condensed your argument to make it tighter. In addition, you might want to clarify what you mean by the phrase, "families who could hardly speak Turkish." Many readers might be unaware of the cultural diversity of Turkey and therefore might not know which language these people spoke. Paragraph 12 "卐ducating those kids? This phrase is unclear. Are you referring to the Cekud children? This is what I have assumed, but be sure to change it if it is incorrect. The final sentence of this paragraph was also unclear--what are the examinations that you describe designed to test? I have interpreted this passage as follows: "I also took two children, ages ten and eleven, under my wing with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education." Paragraph 16 I eliminated your quote from the last paragraph. It is, no doubt, a beautiful saying, but so many students end (or begin) their essays in this way that the technique has become clich閐. Ending with the current paragraph--stating that helping these two children was your greatest accomplishment--leaves the reader with a strong, lasting impression of your character and your sense of commitment. With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those that you think are best. Overall, this is a great set of essays that will leave a strong impression on the admissions committee. I wish you the best of luck. Sincerely, Edited Essays The frequency with which these environmental disasters fill Turkish news broadcasts--and the obvious insensitivity that Turkish authorities demonstrate toward both environmental and health issues--prompted me to learn about ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to make a real contribution. After earning a master's degree in environmental sciences, I completed a professional international management certificate program to gain a management perspective in the environmental field. I then realized that, to combine my technical knowledge and management skills effectively, I needed to accumulate real-world experience. Specifically, I decided that working at a large company would allow me to develop insight into various industries and would give me an overarching vision of the international business arena. For the past two years, I have worked in the energy and environment group of Lec Corporation, Turkey's first and biggest diversified conglomerate. As a Project Engineer, I am mainly responsible for our holding companies' environment and energy sector investments. This position has given me the opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world, thereby expanding my international perspective. Because of my outstanding work performance, I was chosen to attend various meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC, and the World Bank. It is highly unusual for a young associate to represent the company at such events, and my self-confidence, as well as my management skills, has been greatly enhanced through these experiences. While working in various lines of business, including the automotive industry, consumer durables, and the energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so calculating or duplicitous that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments, and, as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to prevent problems adequately. For instance, despite a population of over eight million people, Istanbul--Turkey's largest city--still lacks a properly operating sewage system. In most of the areas of the city, wastewater is discharged directly into the Bosporus. In the long term, I plan to help solve my country's problems by starting my own environmental services business in Turkey. The company will serve both local and international customers by providing cost-effective, adaptable solutions in areas ranging from waste management to safety management. To accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of the field. Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management skills, especially in finance, marketing, and entrepreneurship. I am also aware that I have insufficient knowledge of American environmental issues. Since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur, it is essential that I fill in these gaps. The XXX School's MBA program provides the perfect training to achieve my entrepreneurial ambitions. I am attracted by the inventiveness and uniqueness of its entrepreneurial and finance programs, and believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship by interacting with my classmates. I value the fact that at XXX entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance theory with real-world application, and XXX's curriculum and opportunities for hands-on training through associations, internships, and field study provides such balance. I am also drawn to XXX because of the school's emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance, twelve-week field application projects, and the global immersion program teaching global thinking and global action. Additionally, the school's profusion of student groups and its flexible entrepreneurial program--in addition to its 200 elective courses--will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility upon which I plan to draw while at XXX and beyond, by taking advantage of--and contributing to--the school's strong international alumni network.#p#分页标题#e# Above all, a XXX MBA will help me strengthen both the financial knowledge and the entrepreneurial skills necessary to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational, American-based firm. Such a position, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long-term ambition of building my own company. By developing and maximizing the technical knowledge and managerial skills I have already accumulated, XXX will allow me ultimately to make a concrete and substantial contribution to Turkey's environment. Essay 2: Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. In addition to recounting this achievement, please analyze how the event has changed your understanding of yourself and how you perceive the world around you. During one of my undergraduate courses, I turned a routine research assignment into an incredible learning opportunity. I was asked to design a project that I could conduct in tandem with a supervisor whose interests matched my own. I chose to study with the head of the University's Chemistry Department, and I designed an ambitious project entitled, "Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials." After a disastrous earthquake struck Turkey in 1996, causing approximately 30,000 deaths, Turkey's State Planning Organization used the model we developed to determine the risks posed by spilled materials in the region affected by the earthquake. During my work on the project, my supervisor introduced me to the joys of academic research. Not only did he teach me about the issue at hand, but he also shared with me the practical experiences he had accumulated through both his professional career and his personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. I followed his example through personal initiatives such as becoming president of the Environment Club, in which capacity I organized visits to technical sites and meetings on environmental engineering for first-year students. One day, my supervisor introduced me to an environmental organization that eventually changed my life. The organization was called "Cekud," and my supervisor was one of its members. My supervisor described the group's activities, including its tree planting campaign called, "Seven Trees," which was predicated upon the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs each year. Impressed with the organization and with its emphasis on direct action, I decided to organize a planting day with Cekud. My coworkers and I rented a bus for the forty-five students who volunteered to be involved. A large turnout of children and teenagers encouraged through Cekud's "Education for Our Future" program gave us an extra push, and together we planted 650 trees in one day. Enjoying my work with children, I decided to volunteer with Cekud's education program and soon was able to realize one of my childhood dreams. As the son of a Turkish army officer, I had spent much of my childhood moving from base to base around Turkey. The perspective and insight I gained during this period was a significant factor in my personal development. During the early 1980s, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major concern for ordinary citizens. For a time, all children had to attend school under the armed protection of soldiers. As if all this commotion were not enough, I had to attend three different primary schools because my family moved so often. My father was routinely posted in some of the least developed towns in Eastern Turkey. Those regions were severely affected by unpredictable economic conditions and by the rampant terrorism that plagued Turkey during those days. Unemployment soared, and a substantial proportion of the population subsisted on welfare. My classmates came largely from poor families and spoke little Turkish. They could not afford to purchase school uniforms, let alone basic necessities like medicine and food. Studying in such unstable circumstances was clearly not conducive to an effective education. Nonetheless, I realized early on that I needed to study hard in order to succeed in life. Through determination and perseverance, I did well on the university entrance exams and was offered admission to one of Ankara's best colleges, as well to a university in Istanbul. It was no easy task acquiring a top-notch education, and I knew firsthand the difficulties faced by children. I have always felt a need to help others and now, as an educated man, I feel even more responsible towards those less fortunate than myself. Years ago, I started allocating approximately six hours each weekend to tutoring Cekud children in mathematics, physics, and chemistry. I also took two children, ages ten and eleven, under my wing with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education. Essay怎么写After seven months of hard work, we succeeded. The two children entered the program, and they will graduate from high school this summer. I tried to shore up their academic foundations with personal support--by playing a brotherly role, by listening to their problems, and by guiding them towards solutions. We organized picnics and arranged city sightseeing tours to help make them socially-conscious citizens. Cekud turned out to be the opportunity that allowed me to honor my vow. I do not hesitate to call these two children's success my most significant personal accomplishment to date.
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